Dear Dead Ann Landers,
what if you knew someone at work who was cheating on their spouse? Would you tell anyone?
Signed,
Nosy Old Busybody
Dear NOB,
Are you fucking stupid? Do you just wish pain on yourself or do you honestly have no clue? Let me tell you a story from years ago.
I knew this guy. He had this friend who was dating a girl. The guy and girl had a great sex life and all was more or less well. But all the while they were dating my friend kept hearing all of these rumors about her cheating on him. He didn't know if the rumors were true, but he kept hearing it all over the place. One day the guy tells my friend he's not happy and maybe they're going to break up. So my friend, being young and stupid, decided that perhaps now would be a good time to tell him about these rumors he's heard.
What do you suppose happens from here? I'll give you a clue. You've just placed yourself between two people who care more about each other than they do you and you've given them both an enormous painful wound. It doesn't even matter whether the information turns out to be true or not. You have hurt both of them at the same time and now you're gonna catch hell. You're right in the middle of the whole thing and you put yourself there. Idiot. Why can't you just let the Earth turn without trying to give it a push?
Didn't you ever watch "Cops?" Don't you know what happens to people who get in the middle of things like this?
So, you think you know something is going on between two people at work? Good for you. Don't tell me about it, don't tell anyone else about it, and for goodness sake, don't Blog about it. Just get yourself a big, tall glass of Shut The Fuck Up. Believe me, this is the best advice I could possibly give you. No need to learn this the hard way. Don't say anything to anyone.
Dear Dead Ann Landers,
Some white-trash punks in my neighborhood sprayed oven cleaner all over my car and now the paint is pealing off. I know who did it. Should I call the police?
Signed,
Perpetual Target
Dear Perp,
What do you expect the police to do, repaint your car? Don't you have any oven cleaner of your own? Don't these trailer-trash bastards have cars? Don't you see where I'm going with this?
Dear Dead Ann Landers,
My wife doesn't understand me. What should I do?
Signed,
John
Dear John,
Apparently I don't understand you either. Do you actually want her to understand you? If she understood you she might decide that she could do a lot better and leave you. Maybe you shouldn't look a gift-horse in the mouth? Mystery keeps love alive sometimes. Are you looking for an excuse to go to a hooker? You don't need an excuse. You just need cash. And a condom. Don't forget the condom or you'll be really sorry.
Dear Dead Ann Landers,
Even though you've been dead for many years people keep writing to you asking for advice. What is up with that?
Signed,
Curious in Georgia
Dear Curious George,
There will never be a shortage of people who can't take responsibility for their own lives. They are incapable of making a decision. The people who write to me are the same people who pay fortunetellers and palm readers. They check their horoscopes. They own tarot cards. They love Oprah and Dr. Phil. They believe CNN is objective. They buy lottery tickets based on the numbers in their fortune cookies. They bought a Mitsubishi Eclipse based solely on the girl in the hat dancing in the TV commercial. They still trust Bill Clinton and think he and Hillary make a lovely couple.They think the movies on the Lifetime Network are true stories. They believe what they read in the Enquirer and swear they've seen Elvis several times. They think Michael Moore's films are documentaries as opposed to propaganda. They don't know what the word 'propaganda' means. They are too lazy to look it up.
You see, George, it doesn't matter that I'm dead. A possum could respond to these questions. It doesn't require any intelligence. It doesn't even require that I be alive. You could practically place all of my answers on a wall and just have a monkey throw poo at them to decide which answer to give for each question. Oops, I've said too much.
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