1. If you were stranded on a desert island, and you could only bring one of the following with you, which would it be: a fully-staffed cruise ship, an extension cord, an apple core, a jar of sand, a life-size marble statue of the interviewer, or a ninja riding a unicorn with a gun mounted on its back?
I would choose the cruise ship, if only because I have no interviewer and simply stole this quiz with nothing more than a small note left in Elisabeth's comments section to warn her. Plus, the cruise ship should have extension cords, apples, sand, and probably some statues here and there. If they have no statues I happen to know they'll make little statues out of towels and leave them on your bed each day. The turtle was My Wife's favorite. I have known too many freaks with intentions of becoming a real live ninja to want one of them along with me. They are usually guys with a ponytail who watch too many Steven Segal movies and have no sense of humor.
2. If the Indians had the Atomic Bomb during the French and Indian War, would they have used it? Would you? Why or why not?
I must answer this as a Cherokee because I am one and can't really answer as a Commanche. We would not have used the atomic bomb during the French and Indian war. The reason is simple. We did not have airplanes to drop it from at the time. We do have them today, though, so watch out.
I do believe, based on my years of friendship with a full-blooded Commanche back in high school, that those crazy motherfuckers would have tried to use this thing, even if they had to set it on the ground and bash it with rocks to make it go off. Same thing with the Apaches. I don't know if they were as crazy as the Commanches, but if so then they'd be out there with them, rocks in hand, bashing away at that thing. If the bashing failed to set it off, and it takes a tremendous amount of force to set off an atomic bomb, then they would most likely have taken it up to a high cliff and dropped it on some soldiers without much regard for whether they were French or British. I mean, once you've hauled something like that all the way up there you're pretty much going to drop it on the first soldier to come along.
There were several other tribes who were just as crazy as the Commanches and Apaches, but less organized and effective. If they were available, the Commanches would have gotten one of them to set it off. But they'd still try to be close enough to watch, which as we all know would have killed them slowly and painfully from the radiation anyway. We Cherokees wouldn't have watched because we feared and respected the Great Glowing Cancer Cloud. We'd have sent that Ute on his way with written instructions (since we had writing, unlike the other dumb mofo's living around us) and then high-tailed it out of the area as fast as possible. Instead of the Trail of Tears we would refer to this historic event as the Glowing Trail Of Dead Frenchmen.
3. Should academic performance-enhancing drugs be banned from the classroom? What if they were chewable? Or had a colorful candy shell, with chocolate on the inside? On an unrelated note, is it responsible to sell M&M’s over the counter?
I believe that students are going to use performance-enhancing drugs so long as there are "My Child is an Honor Student" bumperstickers to pressure them into it. Also, the high prevelance of violent morons in the easy classes inspired a great many of us to press on into highly competitive classes like Chemistry and Physics if only to avoid getting knifed. Now that kids are being gunned down en masse in the hallways the pressure is even higher, with students wanting to leave their schools altogether and go to a private school that doesn't have hallway shootings. This, I think, guarantees that students will use performance-enhancing drugs for as long as they remain in existence.
I don't think the chewability is a strong factor. Same with the colorful candy shell and the chocolate inside. I think the knifing and the hallway shootings are still the primary factors.
I do think it is safe to sell M&Ms over the counter as the sugar high only lasts a little while and then you need another hit before you crash.
4. Should butchering be an Olympic sport? If so, aren’t we just asking for a special interest feature about the vegan medalist who overcame long odds? Must we continue to subject ourselves to such manipulative, pseudo-journalistic drivel? Do my Capri pants match my v-neck sweater?
Based on some of the crap that is in the Olympics I would say that butchering might as well be thrown in, too. Especially if it is done in a traditional African manner, with the L-shaped knife and the blood spilling into a wooden bowl which you must drink from. Joe Whatshisface from Fear Factor would no doubt be the reporter covering it. That dickhead ruined "The Man Show" and now it's gone. They should slit his throat and let him bleed into a wooden bowl. Hey, I'd watch that.
Yes, the vegan story is inevitable. It will happen even without the butchering in the Olympics if only because it's so popular among lesbians. They like to claim on Network TV that men love lesbians, but the truth is the networks themselves are overrun with them and can't get them under control. Men don't hang out with lesbians and rarely like them once they've seen real ones. But lesbians have egos, like anyone else, and like to think that men want them but can't have them. Truth is we don't want them, but they won't stop making them writers, directors and producers of bad TV shows and Julia Roberts' movies.
Your Capri pants make your butt look too long and narrow. Wait, that wasn't the question. Lose the V-neck sweater. It's Spring and you don't need it anymore. In fact, I think you need to go to Kohl's and buy a whole new wardrobe just for Spring. That's my recommendation. Now get out there and shop, girl!
5. Do you smell that?
No, I am legally smell-blind. It would have to be a monumentally powerful stink for me to even detect that there was an odor. Even then, I could not distinguish a good odor from a bad odor. I would simply know that there was some sort of odor present and thus the cat probably did it. Get off my lap if you're going to do that.
And there you have it. These are my responses to questions never asked of me. Ta da!
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