1. Who was your first prom date?
I went to 3 proms, one my junior year and 2 my senior year. Apparently I was a stud, or at least a male prostitute, because my senior year I was basically drafted to take a girl to a rival high school prom simply to impress her mom and her friends. I didn't even know her and had never met her before the night of the date, but some friends knew her and recommended me to her as a date to impress people with. We walked around to be seen by her friends and got our photos made for her mom and then I went home. I guess I was a pretty lousy hooker because I didn't even try to get into her pants. But my actual prom date more than made up for that by getting me drunk and then trying to hook up with some other guy during our senior prom. Yes, Jeanette was my prom date both my junior and senior years and I got nothing from her but hazy memories and frustrated loneliness. So, as we said so often back then, whatever.
2. Who was your first roommate(s)?
My Damn Brother, from the first that I can remember until I was 12 years old. When I moved out I lived alone, except for my cat, Here Kitty Kitty, whom My Wife later renamed to Booger Bear. Now she's my roommate, but Booger Bear is still around, too. And later we adopted another cat, much to Booger's annoyance.
3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink the first time you got drunk?
I think it was Budweiser. I have photos so once I find them I can verify. If I had them here I could post them and show you the beer, Jeanette, my 18-year-old body, and long, thick hair with home trim job on the bangs. I remember I was wearing a yellow Cheerios T-shirt in the photo.
4. What was your first job?
I don't know what you'd call it. We weren't movers and we weren't interior decorators. All I remember is that we worked from 9 p.m. until 5 a.m. completely rearranging Belk Hudson for some reason. God knows why, but I think Belks is out of business now anyway so apparently it was all for nothing. Oh well, I got paid either way.
5. What was your first car?
1971 Olds 98 4-door, metallic blue, with a 455 cubic inch 360 hp engine, TH400 transmission and the optional Oldsmobile Posi rear end. My genius brother wrecked it right before he had to turn it over to me, which we both knew he did on purpose just to be a dick. Then he claimed the clutch in the clutch fan was bad and had to be replaced. He took me to a junkyard and got a fan from a Ford Pinto, without a clutch mind you, and put that on the car. Then he told me never to replace it with a new clutch fan because only the factory originals are any good. Knowing what I know now I couldn't tell you if my brother was intentionally screwing me with this fan or just genuinely stupid. With my family either scenario is equally likely. Anyway, the non-clutch fan was always on so the engine never warmed up and I got about 10 mpg all the time. But damn, that car was fast and had a lot of room inside. It just sounded like an airplane because of the stupid fan.
6. When did you go to your first funeral? My sophmore year. Tim Byrne was a runner on our cross country and track team. So was I. I remember running with him. He was a senior and driving alone to the state track meet. He in an intersection of a 4-way-stop in Owens Crossroads, Alabama and was t-boned by a dumptruck. He was bashed around inside his car as it was thrown through the air and he died. He was buried in his track uniform and the entire team was there. I remember it didn't seem real to me until I watched them put the coffin in the ground and start to pour the dirt on it. I didn't start to cry until I saw them burying him and somehow knowing he was down there and being covered up finally drove it home for me. He was only 18. I didn't enjoy running much after that.
7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
Um, I think I was 27 or 28 when FedUp interviewed me for a job in Memphis, which I had not applied for. I only did the interview because they said they'd fly me and I wanted to fly. I never thought they'd hire me. Some headhunter in Houston had gotten my resume from another headhunter in Alabama and submitted it to them. I told them what salary I'd require to make me move to Memphis and they laughed at me and said, "we'll pay you more than that."
8. Who was your first grade teacher?
Mrs Holiday. She was ready to retire and boy did she let us know it. She played all nice the first day while our parents were with us, but the next day and from then on she was a bitch from hell. Thank God we had some classes with Mrs Mitchell, a hot blonde twentysomething who liked to party. We loved Mrs Mitchell. I remember Mrs Holiday whacking me with a ruler because Curry said something to me and she was too deranged to know who was who.
9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
I went around in circle. The plane belonged to a typical engineer friend of My Dad. We were leaving church and Dad was talking to some guy. Then he asked if we'd like to ride in an airplane. We were kids. Of COURSE we would. So we drove out to a small local airport. The only car there was this piece of shit Volkswagen Bug. Of course, Mr Engineer gets out of the Bug and waves to us. We look around and there are beautiful planes everywhere. He goes to get his plane. We hear the engine start up and then up taxis the biggest piece of shit airplane I had ever seen. My Dad gets in and goes for a long ride. Then My Brother. Then me. While we were up I'm looking at this thing held together by duct tape and wire and I'm thinking I'm going to die. The guy tries to do some stunts to impress me, but all I could think was how this plane was barely held together. So after a short flight he took me back down. Yeeha.
10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
I am the youngest of 5 kids. My Mom didn't want me and My Dad is big on picking favorites, so neither of them gave a shit what I did or where I was. Sneaking out consisted of opening a door and walking outside. I don't remember the first time specifically, but I probably just went across the street to Tony's house.
11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them?
My first best friend was Tony. Tony doesn't talk much, but we still keep in touch. It's hard to email with someone who doesn't talk, but in some ways its better than a phone call because there are no awkward silences. Also, since he never sees me he does talk a lot more now than he used to. I used to practically live at his house as often as I could so there wasn't much to say back then, but we played sports a lot to keep busy.
12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house?
I was in Alabama in the same house My Parents still live in. And what do you mean "the first time you moved out"? I moved out once and never went back.
13. Who's the first person you call when you have a bad day?
You. You see this blog? This is all I have.
14. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid/groomsman?
I think My Brother's wedding was the first.
15. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Pee. Next question.
16. What was the first concert you ever went to?
The Beach Boys. They were touring with some band I can't even remember the name of, but when the Beach Boys came out they made fun of the warm-up band, which was entirely justified because they were gay.
17. First tattoo or piercing?
The first piercing was my shin. I was running outside in Tony's yard at midnight and it was pitch black. Tony's grandmother had brought all her crappy old furniture with her when she moved up from Mobile and decided to dump most of it at Tony's house. She had all this black iron lawn furniture and dumped it on their front porch. They didn't want it there so they scattered it around their yard. Since it was midnight and pitch black I couldn't see. I ran right into it, punching a hole in my shin bone and spilling blood all over. Did you know there isn't anything between your skin and your shinbone? Neither did I. But I do now. If you punch a hole in it then it will bleed like a red waterfall, and I did. Tony thought it was really funny.
18. First celebrity crush?
Um ... God only knows. Maybe Jacqueline Smith?
19. Age of first kiss?
I was in elementary school so I was maybe 9 or 10? I kissed Wendy. At the time I thought it was weird that My Brother and His Friend, Vegaboy, made me kiss her, but today she's really pretty so I'm glad I did it.
20. First crush?
Sherry Clark. I was 5. She was 5. I told her I loved her. She told me she hated me and to go away. You know, your typical male-female relationship.
21. First time you did drugs?
Dude, I can't remember. I grew up on Pink Floyd and Emerson, Lake, and Palmer. Whatever was in the air when I was in My Brother's room, with the lava lamp and the light box, was what I was doing. I just didn't know it at the time.
Taaa daaaaaa! Done.
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