I went to the gym Wednesday night, having missed my normal Tuesday workout because my stomach wasn't feeling right. A lot of the New Year's Resolution People have gone, thank God. It was still pretty crowded, but I was a little late and I knew the freeweights would be mostly free long enough for me to get rolling until the other equipment cleared off a bit.
I started off doing some bench and bent over rows with dumbbells. I was clearly confused because this wasn't at all what I had planned to do. Apparently once I got to the gym the sweaty atmosphere impaired my brain a bit. Anyway, after that I went over to the other side to do abs. Along the way from one side of the gym to the other I observed numerous hot girls, most of whom were way too young for me no matter how hard I held my stomach in. Several of them were dressed in matching green "Pink" pants and showing their asses to me. This seems to be a trend now, the wearing "Pink" pants and sticking asses out in my direction. I can't complain until I get arrested or assaulted for looking, which may occur any day now.
Anyway, once I got to the ab equipment I observed that there were several young girls over there, probably in high school. I tried to manuver around to where I could do my workout and not be staring directly at them because, let's face it, they're distracting. While I was exercising a great many more women and girls passed by me coming in to work out or going out because they were finished. I was surprised at how many were coming in even later than I had.
After finishing my first round of abs I escaped the young girls' corner and fled to the freeweights again. While I was over there a couple came in, looked around, and came over to the freeweights. They both looked to be in their early to mid twenties. He was lean, but with enough muscle to catch the girls' eyes. She was brunette, with long beautiful hair, a lean, tall body, and large, gravity-defying, apparently authentic breasts. When she entered you could hear the air being sucked away by everyone collectively gasping. She was incredibly beautiful.
At this point I think my brain shut down. I vaguely recall continuing my workout, but I couldn't tell you what I did. I can tell you everwhere she went and everything she did, though. She did some freeweights for a short time. Then she went over to the machines for abs and legs. Then back to the freeweights to collect her boyfriend. Then they went together to do abs. After that I think they left. It was at this point that I realized that I had actually been meaning to go do more abs right before she went over there, but I had become so unhinged by her that I lost my mind and didn't remember to go do them until she had finished and left. What the hell was I thinking?!
Then again, how embarassing would it have been to be over there doing abs with her and then fall off the exercise ball because I was involuntarily moving myself around to see her? Humiliation like this I don't need. And from the way she carried herself and the expression on her face I don't think she would have been flattered. She had that "I know you all want me, but leave me the hell alone" way about her. Sometimes when a woman is as beautiful as that she gets more attention than she can stand. And when she's in her twenties and looking for Mr. Right and only Mr. Right she's usually the most inclined to get sick of the attention from the rest of us. Especially when it comes from us married old fuckers.
Anyway, she left and I could think again. I went and did more abs.
While doing abs I became aware of 2 high school girls with fabulous tans who were not only discussing their fabulous tans while sprawled out in front of me, but were also doing a pretty good job of showing those fabulous tans and the lack of tanlines to me. At first I thought they were just oblivious to me, but then I caught them catching me out of the corner of their eyes while they bent in such a way that I could see clearly that they had no white patches at all, not even under their buttchecks or in the space between.
Yes, I kid you not. I saw it all. I could have given these girls a pelvic exam with my eyes they were so proud of their tans. And I'm not really complaining, but it felt really odd to be looking at them and thinking I was old enough to be their teacher. I could have even been their father if I had started young enough. Apparently they didn't care. "Look at these great tans."
While this was going on another good-looking girl came over and started sprawling in front of me. She was tall and dark and wearing a half-top. I wasn't sure how old she was until she started talking to them. Apparently she was young enough to know them pretty well, so maybe she was in college or high school.
I was surrounded by hot, very young, well-tanned girls. I really didn't want to lear at these girls. It just felt weird. So I tried to turn and look some other direction. It was then that I noticed that a squadron of really beautiful women had come in.
It was late. I think it was 8:30 or 9 and these women had appeared out of nowhere and attacked the elliptical machines. They were much closer to my own age so I felt less guilty about looking at them. One of them I have seen several times. She's dark and impressive. I can't tell if she's Hispanic or from the Middle East or what, but she's extremely impressive. I stare way too much whenever she comes in. Unfortunately, she is far less interested in showing me her great tan than the very young girls are. In fact, she mostly ignores me with an amazing degree of focus. One time she nearly ran over me she was ignoring me so well. The other women with her were all beautiful blondes. They were all impressive. Across from them on the treadmills was a beautiful young blonde girl running and bouncing and talking to a large, "plus sized" girl.
It was time for me to run. But first I needed to use the bathroom. So I went into the men's locker room and released some water. Yeeha. Then back out to the treadmill.
I had walked all the way from the men's locker room to the exact center of the gym when I became aware that something was following me. Looking behind me and down I saw that I had exactly one long strand of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of each of my shoes. Yes, I had walked halfway through the gym trailing two lovely ribbons of gleaming white toilet paper.
What was it that Lucky Lum was saying about carrying yourself with confidence? It's so hard to do sometimes. I was surrounded by beautiful women, some of whom were trying to show me their womanly parts, now nicely tanned, and some were trying to pretend I didn't exist at all. And I, I was marching around trailing toilet paper from my shoes. Yeah baby!
I tore off the paper and carried it with as much dignity as I could to a nearby trash can. Then I turned and went back to the treadmills, relieved that I had at least discovered the paper before getting on the treadmills in front of the beautiful women on the ellipticals and running while trailing TP tails for several miles.
Then again, I'll bet the exotic, dark beauty would have noticed me then, eh?
The beautiful young blonde and her plus-sized friend had finished their treadmill workouts and gotten off, so I got on hers. Blondie had been running on the one I usually use. It's in a position facing exactly away from the beautiful squadron of elliptical women so that I'm less distracted by them and better able to zone out into my own pathetic, toilet-paper dragging world.
I ran for 2 miles before I became painfully aware that my knee was having issues. Something wasn't right and I wasn't enjoying this at all. So I ran for one more mile and got off. The leg machines that I suddenly and unmistakably needed are located directly in front of the treadmills, facing the wall underneath the TV sets that hang up above. It felt as if I was having issues with a muscle imbalance. Years of cross country and track have given me runner's knees, which simply means that my outer quad is way too strong compared to the rest of my leg muscles. Injuries and knee surgeries from soccer haven't helped this at all. So I was doomed to do leg curls and leg extensions until my legs couldn't bend anymore for the rest of the night.
I began happily rotating back and forth between machines, one set of leg curls and one set of leg extensions. Suddenly I was besieged by the hot, tanned high school girls. They stole my leg extension machine. Damn those hot, tanned, young girls! Now I was thus forced to keep doing set after set of leg curls until I was totally shot and almost out of weights I could drop off and still be lifting something. But just as I was running out of gas in my hamstrings they finished and moved over to the ab machine next to the leg machines. I got up and waddled to the leg extension machine like a cripple.
"Are you both finished with this," I asked them, now looking directly at their faces up close for the first time.
They were both physically attractive, but one had a much prettier face than the other. The prettier girl turned to me and said "oh yes, you can have it." And she released a big, wide smile. It was a great smile. It made me feel happy all of a sudden. She looked like an athlete, not very tall, but built for sports and in great shape. And of course, she had a great tan.
I sat down and burned my quads until the woman behind the counter at the front of the gym came over the PA system and announced, "the gym will be closing in 30 minutes." Oops, it's really late.
I went back to the ab area to stretch. As I was all sprawled out with my legs apart and my shorts flaring up to show my lovely manhood in all its' glory to the entire gym another beautiful girl came over and laid out directly in front of me. I did my best to press the legs of my shorts down to keep anything from falling out. I was making an assumption that she possibly did not want to see my manhood. I didn't ask her though. I'm sure the squadron of beautiful elliptical women also appreciated this, as my manhood was in clear view from their location and we could all easily see each other. I know this because my penis had begun asking me "who is that really hot brunette over on the elliptical?"
After stretching I picked my sweaty, smelly, limping self up and walked slowly past the ellipticals, walking behind the mysterious brunette and her blonde friends with the assumption that if any of them wanted to look at me they would turn their heads and do so, but if they did not then they would no doubt prefer I not walk in front of them and distract them from their view of the TV sets and the hot tanned high school girls. I changed clothes in the locker room and slowly shuffled out the front door. As I did so, the beautiful blonde girls who work behind the desk shouted, "have a nice night!"
I smiled and replied, "thanks, you too."
As I drove home through my own neighborhood I passed a small SUV that was dropping off a girl. She was standing in front of the headlights in her driveway and looked at me as I was driving past. I turned my head to look at her. It was the hot, tanned, high school girl who had smiled at me and shown me her tanned cooter, but she wasn't smiling now.
Uh oh, she probably thinks I'm a psycho stalker following her home.
I parked in my driveway and went inside the house. My Wife greeted me lovingly, "You stink!"
"Thanks Honey, I love you, too."
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