I was watching NBC's coverage of the Olympics last night, accidently missing CSI in the process, and I was once again struck by something irritating.
You know how at all the televised football games now the networks have some woman who has nothing whatever to do with football working the sidelines interviewing and making comments, and in almost every case you can't help but think, "who the hell is she and why is she here?" Yeah, well NBC has something like that with figure skating, too.
Here's the scenario as I perceive it. There are 3 announcers covering the women's figure skating competition. One is Scott Hamilton, one is Tracy Wilson, and one is a cranky bitch named Dick Button. Scott Hamilton and Tracy Wilson are former skaters themselves. They've competed in figure skating in relatively recent Olympics and they know what they're talking about. The bitch, Dick Button, is an older man who won America's first gold medal in mens' figure skating way back in 1948.
Here's how it's been both times I've watched.
SCOTT: Here's the Russian girl. She's got a lot of punch and a lot of flair. She's been so close to spectacular in so many competitions that I can't help but feel she could break out at any moment.
TRACY: Yes, I know exactly what you mean. She's got a fire in her and if she could just bring it out and control it she'd be great.
DICK: I haven't seen any fire or flair in her at all. In fact, I think she's just plain drab. She looks like she's just gotten out of bed and didn't even take a shower. I don't know who did her hair, but it's a rat's nest. And that dress is a rag. I've seen better outfits on homeless people. (long pause) I hope I don't sound too critical.
SCOTT: It's Finland's turn. She's young and she's very controlled. She doesn't take big risks, but she almost never falls. She's got a ways to go, but she's very, very good.
TRACY: As you can probably tell she's also done some modeling. She's one of the prettiest skaters ever to take the ice in the Olympics.
DICK: I'd do her. But her presentation could use some work.
SCOTT: Now for the girl from Georgia. She's young and she's a little out of control, but she's got the most spectacular jumps. She's could be huge.
TRACY: She loses control a lot because of her tremendous speed, but she's young and she can still get that under control. She's very impressive.
DICK: That outfit she's wearing is barely there. She's got a nice body and she presents it well. Wow. But she spins slightly crooked and her arms aren't high enough. And her skates appear to have been tied with the loop and through the bunny hole technique, which just looks sloppy.
SCOTT: And now the girl from Italy. She's struggled in these games. Her lines are long and she's taller than most of the girls.
TRACY: Yes, and that height really makes it hard for her to come around in those jumps. She has to work extra hard.
DICK: She's a maniac on the ice. She reminds me of a newborn colt that can barely walk because she's so awkward. She's like a string puppet and one of the strings has come undone. Her spins are ugly and her leaps are clumsy. She's a disaster.
SCOTT: OK, now it's Sasha Cohen. She's been struggling in the practices today. I hope she can pull herself together in time.
TRACY: She's got fear in her eyes and she's had that groin injury. She's battling.
DICK: I just hope she doesn't blow it like she did last time. I don't know which is the bigger loser, Sasha or Michelle Kwan. I mean, come on ladies, get it together. America has high expectations of you and you'd better come through. It's gold or nothing, ladies. I don't know why our top women keep letting us down in this event. They keep crumbling under pressure and it's truly pathetic to watch. They're just awful. It's too bad Mary Lou Retton can't skate.
SCOTT: Well, Arakawa of Japan simply has to skate a conservative program without any major errors and the gold will most likely be hers.
TRACY: And she's very good at that. She's very good at simply taking the minimum of risk and not making any mistakes.
DICK: She's pretty. I like her. I wish our girls looked more like her. Everything she does looks graceful. She's a real lady, unlike some of the girls, and I use the term 'girls' rather loosely.
SCOTT: OK, now it's Slutskaya's turn. She's overcome so much. She's truly an inspiration.
TRACY: She really is. She's been through it and back again, what with her mother's health problems and then her own health problems. It's a miracle she's even here.
DICK: What a horrible name, SLUT-sky-ya. It sounds like something we would make up to call a girl we didn't like in school. I'll bet she's got a lot of pent up anger over that. It's no wonder she wears her hair short like a boy and tries to look as unattractive as possible. She skates like a man.
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