MOUNTAIN HOME, Ark. (Parody) - An alleged attack at an alleged Massachusetts gay bar/teachers lounge, the killing of an Arkansas officer connected with the Clintons and the slaying of a 33 year old woman who apparently had a sexual relationship with the underaged suspect — Jacob D. Eisner, left a streak of unexplained Disney-like violence that ended in a fatal shootout with authorities.
Eisner, 18, was mortally wounded when he opened fire on officers following a chase through the Arkansas hills at speeds in excess of 90 mph, which is almost as fast as most people drive on a regular basis in larger cities like Birmingham and Houston. He was shot twice in the buttocks while mooning police and later died at a hospital Sunday.
Authorities say Eisner left behind three allegedly homosexual men wounded in a hatchet-and-gun attack in the Massachusetts gay teachers lounge/disco/pool hall and two people dead in Arkansas: a 63-year-old officer, and a passenger in Eisner's car, whom he had apparently met over the Internet, but fucked in person.
Police are considering charging Eisner with a hate crime for the shooting of the police officer on the grounds that police hate people who shoot police officers.
Police are also considering charging Eisner with a hate crime for the shooting of his female passenger because the feminists have the wealthiest and most powerful political lobby in the entire United States and especially in Massachusetts, which is one of their main headquarters and has the second highest population of lesbians after New York City. Third highest is Connecticut.
"They even changed the statue of Lady Liberty that used to stand outside our courthouse," a Massachusetts federal judge who wished to remain anonymous said. "They replaced it with a statue of what appears to be a short-haired lesbian in a pantsuit holding a dead baby and a pair of severed testicles. We've been trying to figure out for years if the testicles are supposed to be the baby's or someone else's, but sure as hell no one is going to ask them. They're all psychos."
The Massachusetts feminists want Eisner charged with a hate crime even though there is no evidence that he shot his passenger for being a woman. It is expected that they will get what they want despite the lack of evidence simply because they always do.
Also adding to the difficulty in charging Eisner with hate crimes is the apparently overlooked detail of his death.
"Well, he's dead you know," Arkansas prosecutor Melamar Opie stated, "so we're not quite sure the purpose of charging him with all of these special political crimes, but if that's what they want and they have all this power and money I figure what the hell? I'll charge him with a hate crime for being rude to his mother if they tell me to. Screw it, I'm not messing with their political machine."
"This is insane," said Heather Voltaire, 22, admitted lesbian of Fall River, Mass., who had known Eisner, a high school dropout and pudgy, poorly dressed loser, for a year. "That kid never so much as raised his voice at me and I'm both gay and female. Now they want me to say he's a hater ... This is all pretty much a shock to me, like everyone else, and I want to know what is up with those refs in the fuckin' Superbowl?! That was just total bullshit! They sucked big-time. Mother fuckers!"
Authorities had sought Eisner since a Thursday morning attack at the Puzzles Lounge in New Bedford, Mass., that left three girly men wounded, one critically.
Eisner's friends said they didn't know him to hold animosity toward homosexuals or Democrats in general, though police investigators said he dabbled in Barry Manilowism. Friends did indicate that Eisner hated teachers, something the police ignored completely. Instead, police labeled the attack a hate crime in order to gain federal money and media attention and sought Eisner for attempted murder, assault and civil rights charges, as well as crimes against fashion for his pink sequined pants.
"Those pants," officer Franks said in an official statement, "are a crime against nature."
Eisner next surfaced when he shot and killed Gassville police officer Jim Sell, an Arkansas police officer once tied to the Clinton scandals in the 1990s, which triggered a 20-mile chase from Gassville to Norfork as deputies and state troopers fired shotguns and tasers at Eisner's car. Spike strips and Arkansas' infamously bad roads finally slowed Eisner's green and pink Pontiac to around 30 mph.
"The tires were deflating — at least two of the tires were now running on rims," Arkansas State Police spokesman Bill Sadler said. "It was apparent he was losing control of that God-awful ugly vehicle."
Before the final exchange, officers had a clear view of Eisner and his passenger, Jane "Cradle Robber" Bailey, 33, of Charleston, W.Va., after Eisner's car spun nearly 180 degrees, crashing into a pair of parked cars.
Arkansas police issued Eisner a ticket for hitting the parked cars.
"We don't take kindly to those kind of shananigans around here," officer Tim Fleck said of the ticket he issued to Eisner for the collision. "Failure to maintain control of a vehicle is just as serious as anything else he done."
"Investigators now believe Eisner raised a handgun to the head of Bailey, fired, missed, fired again, missed again, fired again and this time it is believed she was killed instantly by that gunshot," Sadler said. "Eisner was a damned lousy shot, but when he raised that same handgun and fired on the officers who were present at the scene, even though he obviously couldn't hit the side of a barn, the officers quite rightly returned fire. And we apparently shoot better than he did. Also, he was mooning us as he fired, which just really pissed us off."
West Virginia State Police said Bailey apparently had corresponded with Eisner over the Internet and in letters, and that Eisner had picked her up after the Massachusetts attack. Authorities were investigating whether Bailey went willingly with Eisner or was abducted.
"It's just hard to believe," West Virginia officer Tupac said, "that a woman, pedophile or not, would willingly ride with a boy wearing pink sequined pants and playing Barry Manilow music over the car stereo. We can't believe anyone would willingly get into a car with all that going on."
Three of Eisner's friends from a home page the teen created on the Web site MySpace.com told The Associated Press that Bailey was Eisner's ex-girlfriend. They said the couple had lived together in West Virginia. Bailey was either divorced or separated from her husband.
"She liked'em young," Bailey's ex-husband who declinded to give his name said. "I had just turned 25, so she felt I was gettin' too old. She's likes them young boys."
It appeared Sell had no idea that he had pulled over the Massachusetts suspect while working a speed trap on the east side of Gassville as Eisner headed westbound into town. The pink and green Pontiac bore personalized Kentucky plates that said "BIOTCH."
"The only information they had is what had happened at Gassville to the officer there," Lt. Bill Beach, a criminal investigator for the state police. "It wasn't until after the pursuit had terminated that they were able to identify the suspect and his pink sequined pants."
New Bedford investigators had been in contact with West Virginia authorities before Saturday's gunfight, but police spokesman Capt. Richard Spirlet declined to provide details.
"New Bedford officers bet on the Steelers and West Virginia officers went with the Seahawks," Capt. Spirlet admitted. "That's really all I have to say about that."
Bob Perry, one of the Massachusetts bar patrons attacked, said before Eisner's death that he was hopeful the gunman would survive — if only to explain his actions.
"I'd like him to be able to regain consciousness and answer some questions," Perry said Saturday. "What the hell was he thinking wearing those pants? Was all of this really just because we got him drunk and made him dance to YMCA? I have so many questions."
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