It's the last January Fuck You Friday for 2007.
The Glorious Word Warriors are at it again.
The fun never ends as long as there is a U.S. Congress.
Don’t feel bad. Here in the United States we don’t even know who founded our own country or why. We used to know, but then we decided that social activism was the only purpose for our public schools and so now we don’t know our asses from a hole in the ground, let alone what happened in Germany 70 years ago. Hitler? Stalin? Roosevelt? Churchill? Who are these people of which you speak?
U.N. Assembly condemns Holocaust denials
I’m sorry. It’s one thing to be impatient with someone who disagrees with you or doesn’t believe what you believe or went to a public school, but this whole assault on anyone who dares to deny any single part of the official story of the Holocaust has reached the point of being fanatical and ridiculous. There are American professors who deny that Joseph Stalin was even a bad guy, let alone a mass murdering tyrant. I don’t hear anyone from the U.N. condemning them for that. Let’s get with the program here. If someone disagrees or flat out doesn’t believe, that’s their business. But going off like Rosie O’Donnell just makes me think someone doth protest too much here. What’s up with this?
Student fatally stabbed at Mass. H.S.
Isn’t Massachusetts the heart of feminism, the birthplace of gay marriage, the pillar of progressivism, the shining city upon a hill? Where is all that utopian peace and love they talk so much about? Where is the happiness, the joy, the enlightenment, the big giant hug of perpetual bliss that comes from feeling morally superior to everyone else? How can this be?!
Pesticide found in mutated fish, Potomac
They have found that the river is absolutely loaded with what the EPA calls “estrogenic compounds” which effectively castrate male animals and especially the fish living in the water. This explains so much about what has happened in Washington D.C. over the years.
House to mull alternative energy tax: official
The Democrats have just gotten in the door and already they’ve created a new tax increase for us all. Who saw this coming?
Pet shop owner creates beer for dogs
And next year, football and pizza for dogs. Yay America!
Burglars break into flower shop 30 times
They were constantly getting into trouble with their girlfriends, so they kept having to go back.
Drought drives snakes to the cities
Yes, they’re called politicians and you’ll know them because they’re always overdressed and smiling and wanting to shake your hand. And they’ve been poisoned with ‘estrogenic compounds’ that swing their moods wildly and compel them to spend way too much money on useless trivialities because some lobbyist said it was on sale.
Man kicked off flight for Bush-bashing T-shirt
Apparently the Australians have a ban on obnoxiousness. T-shirt lovers beware. Your right to be a dickhead to everyone else ends as soon as you exit the boundaries of the United States of America.
Breast cancer research nears $1B spent
Meanwhile, the $50 provided for all prostate cancer research is completely exhausted. Sorry Dad.
Americans not getting enough preventive healthcare
Which Americans, the female-Americans or the male-Americans? If this isn’t a political campaign masquerading as news I don’t know what is.
AIDS group to sue Pfizer over Viagra ads
Shut the fuck up! Seriously?!
Pfizer to slash 10,000 jobs to cut costs
Lawsuits cost a lot of money, or workers, whichever way you want to look at it. Either way, it ends up the same way, with parents suddenly out of work and unable to pay their rapidly rising taxes so everyone else can have government mandated health insurance.
Chavez to U.S. officials: 'Go to hell'
U.S. Marines to Chavez – “ladies first, biatch.”
Anti-missile shield not aimed at Russia: U.S.
Why would Russia be asking about this? A missile shield isn’t anything they should be concerned about if they aren’t planning to attack us. Oh wait, now I see.
Clinton "in to win" fight for White House
Plenty of blackmail via huge stash of illegal FBI files to follow. After that, she’ll take on the Republicans.
Woman claims husband has threatened to kill her, 2 boys if they don't follow Islam
It’s the religion of peace. After they kill you, you can finally rest in peace.
Earth's Moon Destined to Disintegrate
So is Barbara Walter’s face, but it’s still got awhile to go yet.
CEOs ask Bush to back climate protection
Show me a list of their names and together we’ll track the stocks of the companies they run. We’ll watch as they follow what we call the “America Online/Steve Case Corporate Activism Curve”, which is a perfect arc, starting at zero and going up to a point before peaking and dropping all the way back down to zero again. Yes, there is something to be learned here. If I have to explain it then you probably still won’t grasp it.
Gender matters in plasma transfusions
No, gender doesn’t matter. This is science, not fantasy. It doesn’t matter how you present yourself to society or what role you choose to play. What matters is your biological sex, and that is not necessarily the same thing.
Diver says he was partly swallowed by shark
Wow, that’s partly gotta suck.
Japanese toy firms look to adults
This is a sad testament to the consequences of our modern choices. There just aren’t any children being born. We are the last generation. So the Japanese are marketing toys for adults now. And here in the United States there are enough overgrown children that this will probably work very well. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go play on my Xbox.
Stinging "blueys" invade Australian beaches
Oh hell, I hate jellyfish. But I love Australia. If I ever do move there I’m going to have to invent some kind of jellyfish killing robot that swims out ahead of me and blasts these damn things into vapor, leaving nothing behind for me to swim face-first into. I wonder if jellyfish could somehow be turned into some sort of alternative fuel? That would be a nice ‘green’ way to justify wiping them off the face of the Earth, don’t you think?
Texas man has prayer in his heart, machete in his hand
This is what is known as “compartmentalizing” and our beloved former President Clinton was a master at it. “I am one hundred percent opposed to sexual harassment of women. Now get on your knees and suck it, bitch.”
Woman accused of ordering hit on husband claims nanny masterminded the plot
This must be a side of Fran Drescher that we never knew existed.
World's third face transplant performed in France
That wacky Michael Jackson!
Trouble identifying odors points to Alzheimer's
Uh oh, I’ve had this problem since the day I was born. No wonder I forget things!
Antidepressants may raise bone risk
Soooooo, if you take antidepressants you are more likely to want to ride the bone? How is this a bad thing?
Man arrested for smuggling 500 parrots in a car
That must be one hell of a car! If not, I’ll guarantee it looks like hell now.
Sharon Stone film in fight for worst film award
Go Sharon, go! All the way back home and stay there.
NYC newcomer gets lost for five days
OK, I realize there is a lot to see and do in NYC, but shit, wandering around for five whole days? Dude, go home and get some sleep.
Woman gets stuck in bathtub for 4 days
Geez, clean your damn tub before you get in it next time! Yuck! No, I’m kidding. She was too weak to get out. She doesn’t eats her spinach.
Agents find cocaine in broccoli load
My salad tasted funny. But I sure feel good after eating it!
China won't relax 1-child policy
The whole world has a child-shortage, but in China they have a surplus. You’d think they’d start exporting them, like the Arabs do with oil. Except not for use as fuel. That would be evil.
NKorea envoy upbeat on meeting with Hill
He’s a big Faith Hill fan. Little does he realize …
Bellevue Baptist Fires Minister Over Alleged Sexual Abuse
Um, I’m sorry, but being accused is not the same as being guilty. And this man hasn’t even been accused by the police. So there seems to be a problem here.
Cowboys' Parcells retires from coaching (AP)
My wife, of all people, predicted this months ago, back before they switched quarterbacks. She just looked at him and said, “He’s not yelling or anything like he used to. Is he sick?” I looked at him myself and started to notice that he was just not into it anymore. He didn’t get excited. He didn’t get mad. He didn’t react at all. He just looked disgusted and detached most of the time. It reminded me of watching the Chicago Cubs.
Kerry will not seek White House in 2008
Hillary must have shown him his “file”. Who knows what dark secrets lay in there? Hillary does.
Woman takes potty break, falls in lake
Wow, that’s gotta suck! But I’ll bet you she peed in there anyway.
Dems seek GOP support on Iraq resolution
I’m gonna have to call “bullshit” on this one.
Ford posts worst loss in its history
They’ve been dedicating themselves to their religion of politics and “social reform” instead of focusing on their cars and in the process they’ve pisssed off a lot of people and pissed away a lot of business. Where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, AOL.
Obama calls for universal health care
Of course he does. You know what I think? I think Obama is nothing more than a sinister trick by Hillary Clinton. Obama is just Hillary wearing a mask and some shoe polish on her hands. You notice you never see any photos of Obama in a bathing suit? Yeah, because she can’t pull that one off. It’s a hedge, in case she should stumble and lose the black vote or the white liberal vote, she figures she can win it as a black man. And if Obama should get the nomination then he, of course, chooses Hillary as his Vice President. That way Hillary ends up running the country no matter what. You notice you never see either of them together at the same time?
Dems wary of Iraq reconstruction cost
Are you kidding me? When have the Democrats ever cared about the cost of anything? They don’t even know what cost actually means. It’s one of those mysterious ‘money words’ that they can’t quite comprehend. It’s like ‘balanced budget’ or ‘overtaxed’. You might as well be speaking Spanish to them.
Calif. agency sues over air pollution
Yeah, ‘cause that’ll fix it.
New suit planned over Brooklyn oil spill
In what was once known as the Great American Can-Do Spirit, we used to believe in doing things through our own hard work and applied intellect. But not anymore. Today we believe we can solve any problem by simply suing the living shit out of it and having some drug-addicted, penis-pumping, transvestite judge whack a gavel around and order the problem to magically resolve itself. Good God, if the WWII generation was the “Greatest Generation” then we must be the “Lamest Generation”.
Obama sets goal of health care for all Americans
And a Hoveround for everyone! Followed immediately by the largest tax increase in American history coupled with the fastest economic decline.
Spot in brain may control smoking urge
With all the researching being done exclusively on women you’d think at some point they could find what spot in the brain controls the “Oprah urge” ‘cause that needs to be cured, and fast!
Wash. lawmaker: bars shouldn't bar dogs
Slowly but surely we are transforming into a Paris Hilton nation, where instead of children we have ‘wittle doggie woggies’ that we roll around in strollers and pretend are actually our children. It has now reached the point at which politicians feel the need to punish bar owners who refuse to allow Paris to bring her doggie woggie into the bar with her while she gets blasted. And, of course, anyone else who wants to bring their dog into the bar can, too. So, you can’t smoke in the bar because that’s nasty. But by God, you can most certainly bring your dog in and let him sit on a stool right next to you. Who knows? You might even get him laid while he’s there checking out the other pathetic drunk people’s dogs. Coming soon: bar owners prohibited from interfering with doggie sex in the bathrooms.
Fashion chiefs agree to discuss ultra-thin models
My friends and I do this from time to time. It goes like this: “Would you do her?” “Mmmm, maybe.” “What about her?” “Definitely!” “Ew, what about that one?” “Gross, no way!”
Bush address draws 45.5 million U.S. TV viewers
I must admit, I used the two hours his speech ran to catch up on reading this week’s newspapers. My Wife was fairly upset that “House” wasn’t going to be on, but she enjoyed reading her book. I suppose I should be ashamed, being that I am doing this weekly political commentary and all, but Kami watched it and she said it wasn’t any good so I don’t think it’s going to get picked up as a regular series. Then again, if “ER” is still running, as pathetic as it is, then I guess anything is possible.
California bans dirty power sources
The religious fanatics who currently rule California are so in love with rolling blackouts that they have just ordered several more. They’ve decided that anyone who wants to buy power from any source other than Beverly Hills’ approved green utility companies, in which they probably own substantial shares, are not permitted to do so. No, it is now considered heresy against the Church of the California Green Fairy Princess to buy any electricity from anyone whom the church has not approved. Currently over 20 percent of California’s power comes from non-believers. This blasphemy is now being ended with the stroke of an ego. And a pen.
Polite nude jogger shocks hikers, bikers
This sounds familiar. Didn’t a certain beautiful female blogger used to do this in Austin? Trojan, would you know anything about this?
Bush: `I'm the decision-maker' on Iraq
I suddenly smell something unpleasant. It sounds like a deal has been made and it’s not going to make either side happy when all is said and done. Just a hunch.
Mountain lion attacks hiker in Calif.
The mountain lion met up with an angry California girl and the angry California girl won!
Police: Fugitive took singer Gayle's bus
Crystal Gayle is a genius! Who else could have gotten themselves into the spotlight so effortlessly and yet so ingeniously? Britney has to take off her panties to get the kind of media attention that Crystal Gayle is getting by simply leaving the keys in her bus.
N.Korea says South's Web ban violates freedom
Pot. Kettle. Black.
Ultraviolet light key to spider mating
I don’t know what it is. She just seems to light up the room.
Brain harvest probe ends without charges
Apparently these medical thieves broke into a meeting of the American Association of Trial Attorneys and stole as many brains as they could. No one noticed any difference so no charges were filed.
Norway may ease ban on stem cell study
No, not stem cell study. Embryonic stem cell study. The difference is significant. Which is why they left it out of the headline in the first place. Censorship via omission.
Workers free tangled whale off N.C.
Rosie O’Donnell was in North Carolina? I wonder what for?
Pelosi in Iraq to see for herself how war is going
Oh please God please! No, I’m kidding. I’m sure her replacement wouldn’t make me any happier.
Bomb kills 15 as Pelosi visits Baghdad
Oooooh, so close!
Hollywood stars choose between Clinton, Obama
So that whole pretense of not being biased is just right out the window now, eh? That’s good to know.
Maine revolts against digital U.S. ID card
Just say “no”
Alternative medicine rarely discussed with doctors
Well hell, who wants to pay a $25 copay just to say to your doctor, “I burned a candle over him and shoved pepper and vinegar up his nose, but he didn’t get any better. What did I do wrong?”
Study: Most diabetics don't exercise
Ya think?
Mammogram rate drops slightly in U.S.
In direct proportion to the rate of breast implants, perhaps?
Actress Nicole Kidman, 7 others hurt on movie set
Nicole crashed a car into a pole while filming, prompting someone in the crew to say “women drivers!” Nicole then went on an “estrogenic compound” induced rampage and attacked 7 people because she wasn’t sure who had said it.
Baggy pants trip up robbery suspect
Dumbass!
N.J. warns: Don't eat squirrel near dump
Every time I think of New Jersey it brings to mind jacked-up Camaros, mullets, and now, toxic squirrel eating. Arkansas and Mississippi are SO grateful for New Jersey, let me tell you!
Report calls for focus on lung cancer in women
Of course it does, because men don't get lung cancer and there isn't a dime being spent on health research for women, right? Sure.
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