It's the first Fuck You Friday of 2007.
I'm just so excited I could fart.
Seriously.
Yeah, and Hillary Clinton might join the Republican Party with incentives, too, but it’s pretty damned unlikely. More likely is that North Korea will do what they did with the Clintons, taking everything we give them and then going ahead and building their nukes anyway. That’s what Hillary did to Rudy Guilianni, promising she wouldn’t wreck his marriage by telling his wife about his affair if he’d drop out of the Senate race, which he did. And then she wrecked his marriage anyway. That’s the way a psychopath plays the game.
Student fatally shoots self at school
So much for all that Carol Gilligan self-esteem boosting crap.
La. police: Puppy gnawed off baby's toes
Dead fuckin’ puppy!
Supreme court to confront school racial diversity
It’s called racial discrimination in the real world and it’s only still going on because the Supreme Court said they’d allow it so long as the victims are white or Asian. They won’t do a damn thing about stopping it. Why even bother to pretend?
Wis. man named 'World Champion Liar'
Really? Which member of Congress was this?
Study reveals guide to deter homesickness
The best way to deter homesickness that I ever knew was to grow up in the home I grew up in. You’ll never feel homesick. Not ever.
Physical abuse leads to adult depression: study
I thought we knew this shit already. Did someone forget? Maybe there was just too much money left over in the budget and so they raced to do another useless ‘study’, probably on women only, in order to spend that money and make sure they could still demand a higher budget for next year, eh? How hard was this to find out? Get beat up a lot, feel bad. End of study.
Woman's Cinderella tale ends in courtroom, not ballroom
She’s suing the prince for the loss of her priceless glass slipper. Then she's suing her step-mother and ugly step-sisters for emotional abuse, unlawful imprisonment, and forced slavery. And finally she’s suing her fairy godmother for fraud because everything turned back into crap after midnight. Welcome to modern America, bitches.
TV star Nicole Richie arrested for drunk driving on California highway
That crazy Nicole, always trying to be like Paris Hilton!
Death row inmate Angel Diaz set to die for slaying manager of topless bar
But first, the Democrats want to appoint him as chairman of a committee in the House of Representatives.
Witness: I have no idea why I told police that debutante's killers were white
I saw the whole thing, officer! It was a bunch of white guys from the Duke lacrosse team! I’m sure of it.
Official says Britons like getting drunk too much
Hear hear! You should all learn to be more sober, like the Australians.
Ontario says child can have 2 moms
Sure, why not. To hell with reality. Let’s all play dress-up and pretend we’re movie stars, too.
Two more test positive for polonium in UK probe
The KGB has been very busy in the UK apparently. Ah, that crazy Putin, always playing jokes.
Most back government policies to fight fat
If we just outlaw fat it’ll go away!
Man charged in second prostitute killing
Apparently this fool doesn’t know how to work a prostitute. He killed two of them already trying to figure it out. Soon there will be a new law requiring all prostitutes to come with instructions. "Place penis in either of the following three holes. Push back and forth until sperm is released. Do not kill the prostitute."
220 pounds of explosives found in Spain
That’s how the Spaniards describe a man after he’s eaten a giant bean and beef burrito.
Robot mother helps South Koreans prepare for birth
Apparently the Koreans viewed that whole "Stepford Wives" thing as a great idea.
Orphaned bear cub not hibernating
That's because he's busy running around the forest yelling, "MOM!"
Enel to build wind farms in U.S., Canada
This is the sort of thing that keeps my hopes alive that one day my farts will make me rich.
Russian rocket comes down over Wyo
Russian agents have determined that destroying Wyoming is the key to defeating the United States. Shhhh, nobody say anything.
Dawn simulator curbs wintertime blues
Dawn is this cute 25-year-old blonde I know here in Memphis.
Pelosi becomes first woman to lead House
I thought Tip O'Neil was the first woman to lead the House?
School district to review decision banning book about gay penguins
Here's a better decision to review: why were our kids told to read books about gay penguins in the first place and who wrote this shit? If I write a book about lesbian cats will I get a fat government contract for schools to buy them? Sounds like a plan.
Soap and water as good as sanitizers to clean hands
Look! Scientists have just discovered soap and water! Yay!!!
Most infant seats flunk crash test
That's because the whole child seat thing is a big racket. But so far no one has had the balls to stand up and fight it.
Police hunt pub urinal thief
"He was tall, about 6', Hispanic looking, and .. oh, he was carrying a toilet."
Bank issues credit card to cat
Hey, if a child can have two gay mommies then a cat can have one damn credit card. Get used to it.
Dog lost in Colorado found in Tennessee
He was just so cute I had to take him home.
Teen pleads not guilty in school slaying
I did not shoot my teacher with a red rubberband ...
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