It's the second Fuck You Friday of 2007.
Here is my exciting and riveting news report for the week.
Yes, because the British news media has been such a pillar of excellence these past few years, right? Repeat after me, "ADOBE PHOTOSHOP"
Ex-gay porn actor due in court on charges he shot wealthy businessman to death
I guess the gay porn industry ain’t what it used to be, eh? Sing it with me: that old gay porn, it ain't what it used to be, ain't what it used to be, ain't what it used to be, that old gay .... this is fun ... it ain't what it used to be, so let's go shoot some dude!
Father jailed for slitting daughter's throat
She must have stayed out WAY past her curfew! Day-um!
Father: Costumed 'Tigger' hit my son
Considering how many stupid parents think it’s funny when their little “darlings” hit those guys in the groin I’m thinking it’s pay-back time! Hit’im again, Tigger!
Prisoner probably ate parts of cellmate
The prison food was really bad in that place. Hey, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
Australians among longest living in world
That’s because they drink a lot, party ‘til dawn, spend their free time on the beach, have the most beautiful women in the world, and have great attitudes. It’s like California without all the ego and gangs and bullshit.
Study: Tween girls at risk for fatness
So are tween boys, you bitches.
Democrats ready to kick off "100-hour" agenda
They’re going to take turns reading “The Communist Manifesto” for 100 hours straight. Yeeha!
Blast at U.S. embassy called 'terrorism'
The Democrats just got back in and already it’s started. This reminds me of back when the Iranians took all our embassy workers hostage in Iran and refused to let them go no matter how hard Carter tried to “dialogue” with them. But then, on the day Ronald Reagan was to take office, suddenly they didn’t want to play anymore and they let them all go. Do you suppose those terrorists know something we Americans don't?
Minimum wage boost races through House
It’s like a streaker, only a streaker with absolutely no understanding of basic economics.
Study: 744,000 are homeless in U.S.
Oh look, only a year away from a presidential election and already they’re starting with the "homeless" bullshit again. Haven’t we played this game before?
Venezuela's Chavez sworn in for radical new term
He’s the Nancy Pelosi of Venezuela and they’re all just so happy to have him there that the major businesses are all closing up in his honor and turning over all their assets to The State before fleeing the country. Where have we seen this before? Hmm, I can't remember.
Yale singing group attacked in S.F.
An all male singing group was beaten up and called ‘fag’ in San Francisco. Apparently gays in San Fran like to beat each other up almost as much as they like attacking Christians. Is it a hate crime for a gay person to beat up a gay person for being gay? It's all so confusing nowadays.
Congress mulls how to expand health insurance
Here it comes. You’re going to pay for yours and your neighbors’ insurance, too, even if you can’t afford to. You just don’t know it yet. Look what good old Conan the Barbarian just did in California. Those guys aren’t just paying for everyone else’s insurance. They’re paying for illegal aliens to have it, too. Now that’s generous! Such nice people. Too bad about the giant tax hike though. That’s gonna hurt. Oh, you didn't know about that. Well, they haven't announced it yet.
House Democrats end smoking in the "lobby"
I swear, you’d think Dana Carvey's Church Lady ran the Democratic Party the way they get their panties all wadded over smoking. I hate cigarette smoke, but by God, people have the right to do it. Just like people have the right not to wear their seatbelts, not to place their kids in a plastic bucket in the backseat of their cars, and to smoke in their own damned cars while driving their owned damned kids to school. Whatever happened to individual rights and freedom? It sure must have been nice to live back when people had rights.
Prosecutor: Wife poisoned Marine, spent life insurance on breast implants
Well, apparently she’s what they like to call a modern independent woman. Sister’s doing it for herself. Even if she has to kill her man to get the money for it. But that’s OK. She was probably retaliating for years of not having big enough boobs. That's covered somewhere in the Violence Against Women Act, so it’s all good. They’ll let her go. And put her story on the Lifetime Network. And interview her on "The View". And hire her to sell DSL for BellSouth.
Pet owners have poorer health than normal
So that’s it! It’s those damn cats that are making me look and feel crappy! Damn those cats!
Bangor makes it illegal to smoke in cars
Yes, because it’s a lawmakers job to protect us all from our own adult bad habits. Soon it will be illegal to stay up late, watch dirty movies, or curse in your own home. We may not allow God in our schools, but by God, we are more religious today than ever before. We just don’t get our new religion from the accumulated wisdom of the past 4,000 years and a relationship with God. Instead, we just make the shit up as we go. So much better!
Austrian skis nude after losing bet
My German teacher did that. Except he didn’t have skis. And it was in Bavaria. He slid down the slope on his ass in the nude after losing a bet. And then he lost half the skin off his ass because snow is not as slick and smooth as it appears. But never let it be said that those Germanic people don’t pay their bets. Now, if I could just figure out how to get into a bet like this with Heidi Klum.
Moms, kids arrested in R.I. school brawl
2 moms and their daughters beat the crap out of each other after school. They even got a female teacher involved in the fight. Yeeha! Them yankee feminists sure know how to solve a dispute. No blood for oil! But if you call my precious baby a “ho”, well that’s another story.
Wis. police: Drunk postman crashed truck
The Kept Woman will be receiving her mail a little late this week.
Probe finds scientist falsified images
So, all those nude photos of Jennifer Aniston were fakes, eh? Dammit!
Judge orders paternity test in Duke case
That’s funny. In child-support cases the judges never order paternity tests. In fact, sometimes they disregard them altogether. Hmmm.
Gene mapping finds surprises in itchy genital bug
The gene map pointed to a chest of gold buried deep down below. Now a team of genital pirates are racing to get it.
Man killed as high winds batter UK
It’s that damn Haggis the Scots keep eating, I tell you. The entire island would be less than half as windy if not for the Scots and their haggis. On the plus side, it does make the air feel much warmer in the winter time.
China tells U.S. its Iran ties private
This is the Chinese way of saying "F-O".
Lawmakers say no to "sexist" chastity bill
The Taiwan bill was proposing that schools encourage students to avoid having sex while young. Apparently the UN feminists who rule Taiwan via CEDAW decided that encouraging kids to avoid sex is oppressing girls. Of course, they don’t care what it does to boys, so there you go. Mucho pregnancy and abortion to follow. Domo arigato, bitches.
Couple confesses to killing noisy neighbors
This is what happens when you don’t have enough “urban sprawl.” Al Gore invented killing noisy neighbors.
Stem cell bill sails through House
They’re just throwing them babies around like footballs in the new House of Representatives. What a shock. Who saw this coming?
Antiwar activists rush to hold protests
That’s because they have no lives beyond this. It’s all they do. They also have no jobs because they still live with their parents.
Sergeant in trouble for Playboy spread
Hey, you can’t tell a woman what to do with her body! Even if she is in the air force. Even during war. ‘Cause she’s a woman, she can do whatever she wants to anytime she wants. But if she were a man she couldn’t ‘cause we don’t tolerate that kind of behavior. Now, someone bring me this issue of Playboy so I can better judge this case from the evidence!
Mom: Kids barred from 'non-English' bus
It’s started already. First, businesses and hospitals for women only with no males allowed. Now school buses for Mexicans only that won’t allow anyone who can speak English onboard. And this is only the beginning. Soon judges will order all students to learn Spanish, but not English 'cause making Americans learn English would be discriminatory.
China facing major gender imbalance
So what does this mean? Is there a shortage of Chinese transvestites? Are all the women dressing as men, like they do in Connecticut and Massachusetts? Gender isn’t necessarily the same as sex. China has a shortage of people who are biologically female, not who simply present themselves as female like they do in the very confused city of New York. Gender has nothing to do with this. Maybe when they go to war with us for the third time we may begin to understand why these little details actually matter, because it won't be Chinese transvestites outnumbering and kicking our feminized asses.
China teens casual about one-night stands- poll
Wait, I thought there was this huge shortage of girls in China? That’s what the UN feminists just said, right? So where are all these one night stands coming from?
Syphilis back with a vengeance in China, report says
Hmm, a shortage of women, but an abundance of one-night-stands and syphilis? Is China massively gay? Or is everyone pounding the same girls? I’ll bet a hooker could make a fortune in China!
China: Teahouse is threat to morality
They’re not real big on singles bars in Shanghai, apparently. But syphilis, hookers, and gay transvestites, that’s another matter.
Georgia Aquarium whale shark dies
Apparently even the sharks don’t want to live in Atlanta anymore.
House backs broader embryonic stem cell research
Of course they do. They may not have a clue what this actually is about, much like that whole mysterious concept of economics, but they know the Christians are against this and that’s good enough for them.
Bush team faces hostile Democrats over new plan
And this is news exactly how? You could just edit out that “over new plan” part and still be accurate, but it's hardly news.We all knew this was coming.
Women more likely to survive lung cancer
That might have a little something to do with the fact that 98 percent of all medical research for the past 10 years has been done exclusively for women only. And that, I recall, was the doing of a formerly Republican-controlled Congress who are now wondering why the men they are so heavily dependent upon didn’t turn out the vote for them in 2006. It’s all a big mystery! Maybe all the Republicans are slowly dying from a lack of up-to-date medical treatment?
Man electrocuted by do-it-yourself mole-killer
Hmm, high voltage, water, and the ground you're standing on. Not the best plan I ever heard of. I hope he at least managed to take the mole with him. Oops, no he didn’t. Damn unholy moles! It almost takes a wooden stake and a silver bullet to kill those fuckers. Trust me, I know this from experience.
Lawyer arrested for kissing employee
First, this happened in Connecticut. Second, all the women in Connecticut are rumored to be feminist lesbians. Third, he pecked her on the cheek as a “Merry Christmas” greeting and has since been charge with a criminal act for it, whereas if she had grabbed his balls she would not have been charged with anything at all. Fourth, the church of rampantly intolerant Political Correctness was founded in Connecticut before branching out to Massachusetts and then, gradually, the entire Western hemisphere via the United Nations and a shitload of bribes. If you add all of that up, you get a heaping truckload of PC feminist bullshit, as usual. Get used to it because we're only just getting started with this new official state religion. It's going to get much worse.
German makes amends for 1970 shoplifting
Earl? Earl Hickey? Is that you?
Man trying to kill bees sets home ablaze
Randy? Randy Hickey? Is that you?
Pigs outnumber people in German state
I hear they outnumber the people up in Connecticut, too. Some of the pigs have even been appointed as judges. Anyone remember reading the book "Animal Farm"? That was a good book. I'll bet they don't allow that book in the schools anymore.
Pakistan says it's not a terrorist haven
That’s lovely. I remember when Bill Clinton said he didn't have sex with "that woman, Monica Lewinsky" because another woman was suing him for sexual harassment and was attempting to show that he had a pattern of sexually harassing women. And then Tom Hanks went apeshit over anyone who dared to suggest that Bill Clinton might have lied about it. And then Hillary threw a lamp at Bill, and then she hit him in the face. And then she spoke out against domestic violence, but not against her own. And then Bill turned out to be guilty, too. And then planes flew into the World Trade Towers on September the 11th. But Pakistan is a lovely place. It's almost as lovely as Syria, which is also not a terrorist haven.
Ex-Khmer Rouge leader denies genocide
He and OJ Simpson are currently working together to find the “real killers” even as I write this.
Clinton, other lawmakers, head to Iraq
And if we're very, very lucky, none of them will return!
Harvard releases 50-year expansion plan
Unfortunately, no one at Harvard can do math and it turns out that this is actually only a 5-year expansion plan involving jacking up tuition and selling donuts door-to-door.
Harvard Math
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