For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local
health club for me. Although I am still in great
shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to give
it a try. I called the Club and made my reservatiion
with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified
herslf as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing & swimwear. My wife seemed
pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m.
Tough to get out of bed but it was well worth it when
I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- blonde
hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
WooHoo!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobics outfit. I enjoyed the skillful way in which
she conducted her aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encourageing as I
did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee but finally made it out
the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron
bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My
legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for
me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me,
insisting my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got
on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life.
She said some other shit, too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a
full snarl. I couldn't help being
half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my
shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the
men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I
sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of
the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading
bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the @*$%!* barbells or anything else
that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the
machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching 11 straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the
bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a
root canal or a vasectomy.
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