Friday Bits and Pieces

Paris In The System
I realize Paris Hilton isn't what you'd call a decent person, but I do think that it is entirely possible to enjoy her suffering just a bit much.


Britney's Mentor
Speaking of suffering, I've been playing phone tag with a doctor's office. Here's a sample:

"What do you mean they want me to make an appointment to come in to get my test results? I was in there all day yesterday and they had said they'd give me the results then. And then they said they'd call me and give me the results over the phone. I can't take off any more time from work. I was there almost the entire day."

"So you can't come in again?"

"Not any time soon, no."

"Let me see if I can get a nurse to talk to you."

Looooooooong wait --

"Hello, this is Kim. Let me look at your file here. Ummmm. Oh yes. We have some concerns and he may want to check ... blah blah blah ... and what he'd do is to insert it up through your groin ..."

"OK, stop."

"What?"

"That's pretty much all I needed to hear. I don't want to do that."

"It's really not too painful. They'd give you Valium first."

"So it'd hurt like hell, but I wouldn't care, eh? Yeah, let's not."

"Well, he just wants to see ..."

"Yeah, but let's just not."

"Well, let me talk to him and see what he says."

"Yeah, tell him we're not inserting anything through my groin and then see where it goes from there."

Wheeeeee!


Ouch

Yeah, and meanwhile, in my home search, it appears we were not locked into the interest rates of 2 or 3 weeks ago. But we are now, by God, and they're so much higher now. Yay!

And in the news, falling into the category of "Same As It Ever Was", Mary Winkler, the cold blooded killer who shotgunned her husband and father of her children in the back as he lay in bed sleeping, was today sentenced to three years, minus time served, leaving her only a few months until parole. Who didn't see this coming? Who still believes in justice and our courts? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?


Crazy Mary - Rosie's replacement on "The View"

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Totally Tangential Tuesday

Anal Rape ala SUV
My whole body doesn't feel right these past few days. And as I write this I have a strange pain in my chest. I'm supposed to go to the gym and do squats today, so if I'm having a heart attack and it doesn't kill me before doing squats, then the squats will finish me off for sure. So, this may be my final post should I happen to die today. Just thought you should know in case I should drop off the face of the Earth, like Steph the Attention Whore or Avery the Aussie.

I have a new stress at work, I mean, a new project, and it's a big one, so my thoughts are primarily on that. Also, nothing else exciting is happening in my so-called life at the present time, so I'm just flipping through the news and commenting on what I think I see and my knee-jerk reaction. I probably won't bother to read the actual story and learn any details, so if you think I'm an idiot who clearly misunderstands what the story is actually about, then fuck you because you're probably right.

Apparently the U.S. and the Russians have agreed to "tone down the rethoric." What?! What does that even mean? Are we doing to start calling each other "poophead" instead of "imperialist" and "commie pinko faggot" from now on? Tone down the rethoric? That just means we've got our nuclear missile assembly line rolling and so do they, so we see no need for further argument. I could be wrong about this, of course, so don't go having a coronary just because Memphis Steve said we're about to nuke each other. Keep in mind that I haven't had my coffee yet and I nearly fell asleep on the toilet while pooping this morning. It's true. I nearly laid out in the floor unconscious because I'm so tired.


RAAAAAH!
They're pushing gay marriage again in Connecticut. I spent a year in Connecticut one week and let me tell you, the only state that is almost as gay as Massachusetts is Connecticut. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Memphis, San Francisco and New York City have the largest homosexual populations in the world." Yes, that's true, but I'm talking about the whole state. Connecticut is like a giant summer camp for lesbians, some relatively nice and some pure sexist evil. Let me just tell you, don't ever stare at a lesbian's Harley in Connecticut. They get all pissed off about it. Actually, they get all pissed off about any man being anywhere near them for any reason, but especially if they catch you staring at their motorcycle. But that's another story. So anyway, the only men there are navy men stationed at "rotten" Groton, and they aren't too happy about it, either. It's considered one of the worst places for a young single male to be stationed, and is a large part of the reason my foolish brother-in-law ended up married to a bleached-blonde trailer park girl from South Georgia after meeting her once and then talking to her on the phone for maybe a month or two. And boy is he sorry now.


Little Bunny FooFoo hopping off to jail
I heard on the news this morning that Paris Hilton is truly and genuinely stressed about going to jail. They said she's taking a self-defense class to help her fight off the bulldykes who might want to stick things inside her. I thought Paris liked having total strangers stick things inside her. Isn't there some video out there of Paris having random people stick things inside her? I haven't bothered to watch it, but I hear it's on the net somewhere. Anyway, I think she's going to have to worry about getting past the black girls first, and the bulldykes after that. I only know what I've seen and heard of the female inmates in Memphis, but based on that, I'm thinking someone named Shanekqua is sharpening her fingernails right this minute in anticipation of Paris arriving in her cell block. I'll bet Paris finds herself RUNNING to the bulldykes, begging for protection in exchange for sticking whatever they can find inside her if that's what turns them on. Anyway, that's only going to happen if she actually goes to jail, which may not happen, and if they actually put her in with the general population of prisoners, which also may not happen. We'll just have to wait and see. I wonder if Fox has secured the rights to film this and make it Paris' next reality TV show?


I just kicked Paris' ass
They're saying that Miami has won the "rude driver" contest for the United States. I know many of you will probably want a recount, especially those of you in Dade-County who are too dumb to realize that this means you won, idiots. But as for me, I don't see a problem with these results. I don't believe that Memphis has the most "rude drivers". No, not at all. Memphis has the most idiotic drivers. We have the nation's biggest, most narcissistic, pinheaded, retarded, cell-phone-talking morons. I think the only city I might expect to give us a battle in this category is perhaps Los Angeles, but seeing as none of their drivers are in this country legally, I believe Memphis will win by technicality.

Apparently it has been decided that the French are the world's biggest whiners. That's "whingers" for those of you in the UK and Australia, because you people can't spell. But we love your women and so we forgive you. Anyway, getting back to the story, I'll accept that the French are the worlds biggest whiners/whingers/babies, but I'm pretty sure that America is coming up hard at number 2. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.


France wins again!
Did you hear the news about Australia? They say they have an overpopulation of kangaroos and so they need to mow down about 3,000 of them with machine guns and Land Rovers. I am a grown man and thus realize that there may be a very legitimate need for this, but it sure does cut against the grain of the world's soft and fluffy image of Australia, doesn't it? Can you imagine the tourists' faces as they stand there with their kids, "Look Jimmy, a field filled with kangaroos!" "YAY!" And then out come the machine guns - down go the kangroos, in a scene straight out of a Vietnam flashback. "NOOOOOO!" Little Jimmy will be scarred for life. PETA will no doubt race down there to stand amongst the kangaroos in the nude. And while they're doing this, crowding in amongst the kangaroo herds, the kangaroos are going to kick the living shit out of them, because contrary to what some people think, wild animals have a tendency to be mean when confronted with naked morons who stand too close, even when those naked morons are PETA morons trying to save the animals from machine guns and Land Rovers.


Thank God I'm a wallaby and not a kangaroo

Scientists have discovered what they label "ancestors of humans" which were apparently not very smart. This is somehow news, the belief that humans may have had some really stupid ancestors. I don't think this is news. I think they've just dug up a Memphis graveyard by mistake.

In Lithuania, there seems to be a conflict between the morals of the people who actually live there and the religious and political agenda of wealthy Europeans who think that joining the European Union means that Europe has effectively purchased your country and can shove whatever they want to down your throat. The bus drivers are refusing to drive their buses because the buses have been plastered with European Union government ads promoting homosexuality. I think it's interesting to see that even as Americans lay down and surrender, people in smaller, weaker countries are standing up and saying "no."

A genius in New York landed himself in the hospital after getting shot. It was his own fault, it turns out, as he was placing bullets in a vice and whacking them with a hammer, Bugs Bunny style. He said he was "emptying" the casings so he could sell the brass for scrap. The bullets intact were actually worth more money than the empty brass casings. A local scrap yard said they would only pay about $1.70 per pound for them and he only had a few pounds. So basically this rocket scientist wasted 100 rounds of ammunition and shot himself for about $5. I'm sure that will just about cover his medical bills, though, don't you think?

This last story is for Kami, Mrs. Dallas K. A Dallas Texas man was just caught after stealing a tractor trailer containing $250,000 worth of Skittles. He said he just wanted the wheels and tires off the truck, but seven of the twenty eight pallets of Skittles the truck contained are missing. The person who has them is still at large. Somewhere in Texas there is a thief having one hell of a sugar high.


Golden Globes

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Mental Diarrhea and Boobs

Great Googly Moogly!
I have to go out of town later this month. I asked Kami if I can stay with her while I'm in Dallas. She said it would be OK if I promised not to wet the bed or walk around the house naked. I said I can't make any promises as to that. So I think I may be staying at the Hilton or something. They didn't ask about bed wetting, so I'm good to go until check-out time at least. They didn't mention public nudity, so I'm assuming it's OK.

Speaking of Hilton, I still don't care if Paris goes to jail or not. I still don't care if she's got herpes or not. I still don't care if there's some porn video of her having sex on the internet somewhere. I just don't care about Paris. I do think that if she doesn't shut up about wanting to get out of it then they won't be able to slip her out of doing the entire sentence and she'll end up stuck with the full 45 days are whatever.

I saw a South Park episode last night in which they made fun of her. It was hilarious. She inspired all the little girls in South Park to aspire to be spoiled hos. And in the end there was a Whore Off between Mr. Slave and Paris. She stuffed an entire pineapple up her hu hu and then Mr. Slave defeated her by stuffing HER up his butt. I laughed so hard I started coughing. And then My Wife just looked at me and said, "you watch weird crap."

In news more interesting than Paris doing porn or me wetting Kami's bed, some drunk girl climbed into a giraffe's cage and got the living crap kicked out of her. Luckily for her all she got was a broken collar bone. Did you ever watch the Lord of the Rings movie, the third one, Return of the King, when the Riders of Rohan are trying to take on the Oliphants at the big battle in front of Minius Tirith? Yeah, a drunk girl taking on an angry giraffe is probably a lot like that. Except that she didn't have on armor or a sword or anything cool like that. And the giraffe probably didn't have some guy with a painted face driving from atop his head. Either way, same situation. I wonder if anyone caught it on video?

A possibly even more interesting news story is the motorists in Israel driving around the dead body of an accident victim and not stopping to check on him or see if they can help in any way. I recall a story in the Bible about this very thing. Well, it wasn't about an accident victim. I mean, obviously there are no cars or motorcycles in the Bible, but it was basically the same situation. Some guy had been beaten and robbed along side the road and people just walked around him and ignored his situation. Nothing has really changed in 2000 years, it would seem. Except that now we have cell phones.

In Taiwan, their legislators have become in the habit of breaking into spontaneous matches of Ultimate Fighting over various political issues. I know this isn't a good thing, but can you imagine how popular C-Span would become if our Congress occasionally threw down and started slugging it out? How much would you give to see your least favorite member of Congress get punched square in the face on TV? The ratings would go through the roof. Besides making Congress more interesting, it would also make that whole idea of electing people like Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger seem like a much better idea.


Bolivia, Brazil, and Peru
3 places I'd love to visit for a few minutes
The president of HBO was just fired because he was arrested on "suspicion of assault" relating to his girlfriend. In other words, no one knows if he did or didn't assault his girlfriend, but the mere suggestion of it is enough for him to be fired immediately. If this isn't the Victorian era all over again, now renamed the Oprah era, then I don't know what is. Worst of all, if he were a woman accused of murdering his husband, not only would he not be fired, but instead he'd be celebrated and the entire corporation would rally around him/her. There's no need to know any facts. All they need to know is the sex.

In random assorted headlines, an Australian study claims to prove that fathers are more to blame for their kids' obesity than mothers. I'd like to know, in light of the obesity epidemic and recent headlines proudly celebrating the recent predominance of single mother households, how this is even possible? More households have no fathers at all than have them, and yet somehow even though they've been discarded they are still blamed for the fat, depressed kids living with their ex-wives? Again, it's the Oprah era. Even being absent or dead doesn't shield men from a torrent of blame.

"I'm the REAL victim!"

Hey, whatever, fatso.


Hey hey, we're the Monkees. People say we monkey around!
BOOM!
Phil Spector is still in the news. Apparently this rich and powerful music producer has a habit of pulling guns on his girlfriends. I've never met this guy in person or anything, but I'm guessing he's just a tiny little dude. Otherwise, what's with all the insane fear of his own girlfriends that he has to pull a gun on them? Are they armed, too, or something? Why does he need a gun for every girlfriend he ever had? Maybe he should date less violent women or something. Why is he so incredibly scared of them all? Maybe they're all blackbelts and they break up his furniture while screaming "KiYA!" I could see how that would be scary. But he could just break up with them, couldn't he? Oh wait, I forgot. In America you don't break up or get a divorce. You just SHOOT THEM. And then you get a lawyer and a nice dress and declare yourself to be the real victim. Well, Phil has lately been wearing pink pantsuits and an old Peter Tork wig, but I expect he'll go all out and show up in that dress any day now.

But he's still going to prison.

Perhaps he could do community service as the anti-drug spokesman? "Hi, I'm Phil Spector. I'm living proof that drugs make you paranoid as hell and can sometimes lead to crazed violence and bad fashion sense."

And there's a headline about the Pope opposing abortion. Who didn't know this already? Why is this so hard to comprehend? Is it a surprise to someone, somewhere? Why is it a headline? What will they have as a headline tomorrow, "Rosie O'Donnell admits she's gay!" Yeah, you think I'm joking, but I wouldn't put it past them.

Griffith Park in Los Angeles caught fire and burned up. Apparently the Cinco de Mayo crowd got sick of making big old doobies out of the American flag and decided to try to smoke the leaves on the bushes directly.

In Washington D.C., where gay black Baby Boomers rule with an iron fist, they're loosening restrictions on elderly drivers. Who didn't see this coming? As the Baby Boomers get older and older we're increasingly told that old isn't really old and that everyone else just drives too fast and needs to slow down. It isn't old people who are the problem. No, it's all those damn punks up on the sidewalks getting in the way of their cars!

Some alleged Republicans in Congress, trying to get a guest spot on Larry King Live and maybe a little poontang from the young girls at the local hotspot, are turning on Bush over Iraq. This reminds me of an old play by Shakespeare that we all had to make a speech from. "I come not to praise Caesar, but to bury him."

Et tu, Brute?

For Brutus is an honorable man.


Paris, honey, you look so pale. You need to get some sun
There's also a headline about Republican Mitt Romney calling super-racist Al Sharpton a "bigot." It's taken all these years for anyone in authority to finally stand up and call Al Sharpton a bigot, but it's finally happened. And do you know WHY Mitt is calling Grand Dragon Al a bigot? Because Al said that "those who really believe in God will defeat" Mitt Romney. Mitt is a Mormon, and he took this comment to mean that Al is critical of Mormonism. Yeah, all these years we've been waiting for someone who claims to be a leader in this country to stand up to Al "racist" Sharpton and call him on his bigotry and racism, and when it finally happens it's this. Sooooo disappointing.

Anyway, that's my mental diarrhea for today. Not much is going on. I've got a lot of work to do. Next week promises to pick up the pace and get even rougher, so I'm posting when I can, but don't get upset if I'm in and out, OK? I'm pushed for time.

---

And now .... my comments about last night's episode of "My Name Is Earl." If you haven't watched it yet then you may not want to read any further because I'm giving a few things away.


2 years?!

I loved the giant reel-to-reel tape recordings of Earl on the phone to 911 while Joy was going psycho.

I loved the walkie talkies tuned to channel 9, the emergency channel, so they could talk about the goofy stuff they say before falling asleep. I loved Randy saying 'goodnight' to everyone including channel 9, before finally getting off of it, like he was on the Waltons.

I loved the way Crabman's hair droops when he's depressed.

I had been worried that Jaime Pressly was leaving the show, so I'm relieved she's not in jail. But I didn't expect Earl to go to prison.

I loved that Earl's cellmate is the crazy guy who played Phoebe's brother on 'Friends', and Memphis' brother on "Gone in 60 Seconds", and that he's already gotten Earl into trouble.

If My Wife hadn't been on the computer I would have jumped on the live chat with Joy and Randy and one of the show's writers. I did the chat after the finale of "Las Vegas" and it was fun. Molly Sims is awesome.

---

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Blah Blah Monday

Saturday morning, My Wife and I and a Real Estate Man drove around looking at houses out in Boondocks, Tennessee.


Boondocks
Boondocks is just east of Redneckville, where I currently live. Redneckville is east of Memphis. Snooty Town is between Memphis and Redneckville. So, if we buy a house out in Boondocks it'll put us about 30 minutes to an hour from Memphis, depending on traffic and which way you take.

I've noticed something while looking out in Boondocks. People are much friendlier in Boondocks than they are in Redneckville. In Boondocks, if I wave to some stranger walking down the street, even if that stranger is a woman, they wave back. In Redneckville, they glare at you and stick their noses into the air.

Interestingly, I've never tried to wave at anyone in Snooty Town, but I'm guessing it's some sort of crime to wave at anyone there. They're much too good for that sort of thing in Snooty Town.

Anyway, we've found 2 houses that we like very much, and without looking any further, we're already debating about which one we want. This is a good thing because we've desperately needed to move into a larger house for a long time. We've also needed a better environment where we experience less hostility, too. This looks like a strong possibility in Boondocks. And as a bonus, we can get more than twice as much yard in Boondocks with relative ease. Fences may make good neighbors, but a few acres between houses doesn't hurt, either.

So, if we do move, I'm thinking this will be the time to move my blog, if I don't move it sooner.

I nearly hit large carnivorous birds on two separate occasions on my way in to work this morning. It's Roadkill Season, apparently, and as a result the roads are covered in hungry birds tearing at the freshly exposed flesh now lying flat like a hamburger patty on the asphalt. One of the birds I almost hit didn't take off nearly soon enough upon seeing me hurtling towards him. I had to swerve, and even with that I nearly caught his feet and ass with my windshield.


Paris isn't a morning person
On the radio this morning, I heard them say that Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail for some reason or other. I know you all were concerned that I must be slipping because I hadn't mentioned this earlier. The truth is, I am slipping. I'm distracted and a little apathetic. Or maybe, more accurately, just discouraged. I'll believe that Paris is going to do 45 days when that 45th day comes and she is only just then being let out of jail, rather than being let out of her jeweled tracking bracelet which she's worn proudly while shopping in New York City or Beverly Hills. You just know that somehow she's going to get out of this. More than likely what they'll do is make a big show of putting her in, and then when some other story steals the headlines, out she comes again, ready to go shopping.

Believe it or not, I haven't even paid attention to the latest updates on the Mary Winkler quest for diversion. I just assume she'll get it. Killing your preacher-husband is no crime, you know. But calling a lesbian woman a nappy-head or some other such hurtful thing, now THAT is a major crime wave and thank God above that Congress is addressing this epidemic of name-calling against homosexuals that is overwhelming our collective consciences. If ever anyone needed proof that money is power, this is it.

Nothing especially funny happened to me this weekend, or this morning. My truck drove like a possessed Volkswagen Love Bug on the way to work this morning. I don't know if my alignment is way off or the roads are just that bad, but it felt like it was driving itself and searching for raccoons to clobber on both sides of the road as we went along. Or maybe I was just tired. I'm not sure.

Yes, I had a big old poop first thing today. I know everyone is greatly relieved to know this. All is not right with the world unless Memphis Steve has a big old poopy prior to starting the work day. Oddly enough, I don't have these big old morning poopies on the weekends. Does my body somehow know that it's Saturday and thus not manufacture any poo? I am a mystery of medical science!

OK, well, as exciting as this post has been, I guess I'll stop here. If I think of something else I should have said then I may come back and add it. That's the beauty of the blog. You can always add witty things that you think of later and make it appear as if you came up with it just off the cuff.

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