All The News That's Fit To Spin

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Dads walking daughters down the aisle, a no-no in Stockholm

In Sweden, the Lutheran church has prohibited fathers from walking their daughters down the isle. It's not for biblical reasons. It's for feminist reasons. They say it's "sexist" and so men aren't allowed to do it. The article quoted a female viccar who heads a church in which she just told a bride her father wasn't welcomed in her own wedding. Interestingly, the Christian Bible clearly prohibits women from being the spiritual leader of a church over men, but this has been allowed anyway. No mention was made of mothers being similarly restricted, of course.

Study: Soccer beats jogging for fitness

It also beats jogging for trips to the ER, most frequently caused by overly aggressive shitheads who would rather kick the other players than the ball. These ER visits are often followed by many months of inactivity while the injured player tries to rehab the injured bodypart.

Man hits wife in head with an onion

Clearly this is domestic violence and further proof of an epidemic of violence against women, justifying the $10 billion that was allocated for the Department of Justice's all-female domestic violence branch, and this after the initial $4.6 billion that established it in the first place. It takes tens of billions of dollars to combat onion throwing men, plus a special network of federal agents, but eventually this war on men throwing onions will be a great success, much as our war on drugs has been.

Democrats fail to pass anti-war bill

It was Talk Like A Pirate Day and they all got so wrapped up in it that they accidently let this one slip by. Aargh!

Judge denies request to free Jena teen

If you say "Jena teen" out loud to yourself, it almost sounds like some chocolatey drink mix. Try it - say "Jena teen" several times quickly and see if you don't agree.

Glamorous politician wants law to allow 7-year itch

Bill, Is that you? Hillary? Rudy? Teddy?

Thousands of hyphens perish as English marches on

And yet, still the word 'misandry' remains mysteriously absent from almost all copies of the dictionary. Take a look for yourself, if you don't believe me. And if you don't have a printed copy handy, just open up Microsoft Word and type it in. It'll underline it as an error. Then type 'misogyny' and suddenly there's no problem.

Mattel apologizes to China over recalls

Mattel said they were sorry that Americans are such a bunch of whiny-assed wimps who suddenly don't remember that their own toys as children we made of steel, painted with lead-based paint, and not subjected to ANY safety standards of any kind. And yet somehow the currently reigning generation survived all of this horror, only to turn around and ban every good toy ever made, thus creating a huge market for them on Ebay, where an old $1 steel Tonka truck now sells for $50 and more.

Stocks end higher after Oracle earnings

I need to sell this stock and invest all the money in Baidu. This is not a joke. It's just a note to myself. Carry on.

Biofuels Doubters are Emerging

Some people don't think fuel made from poop is such a great idea. Who knew that Sarah Silverman was a prophet of the technological future when she uttered this phrase: "My car smells like farts!"

And now, the weather ....

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