Memphis drivers never had Driver’s Education, so they learned to drive by watching what the cops do.
The left-most lane is not the passing lane. That’s what the shoulder is for. If there are shoulders on both the left and right sides, then you can pass on either one. Also, the rules of the shoulder are the same as the Autobahn in Germany. If you are moving at a speed of less than 100 mph, stay off the shoulder or you will be killed by a brutha in a 1979 Jeep with 24 inch rims and a thumpin’ stereo who is doing at least 120 mph. If he survives the impact, and regardless of whether you do, he will leap out of his vehicle and begin screaming at you for getting in his way.
If you are white and you don’t want to get your ass beat, you better look people in the eye and act like you f-in’ own the place. Otherwise, you appear to be a weak liberal pussy who needs a good beating to wake your ass up to reality. And you will get that beating right quick. No, it won’t help you that it is broad daylight and you are surrounded by witnesses in the McDonalds. They are just going to cheer your assailants on or else ignore it altogether and move to the front of the line while everyone else is distracted.
Black drivers in Memphis don’t usually flash their brights at white people in the passing lane to indicate they want you to speed up or get over. They floor their gas pedal and fly up on your ass at 100 mph, acting as if they’ll hit you if you don’t move. Don’t laugh, it works. Most white people are weak and scared of any angry looking black person in a car. You won’t ever see a black Memphis driver try this on a Mexican or a Palestinian, so maybe that should offer you a clue. Either get over or grow a pair, but get used to it.
The average driver in Memphis, white, black or otherwise, is about as bright as Forrest Gump. Don’t look for people screwing you over intelligently and on purpose like they do in more educated cities. Look for morons who sort of fall into your lane without looking while talking on their cell phones and waving their hands around, people driving on the wrong side of the road, cars doing 60 with no one behind the wheel, and a general assortment of people who have no idea what the traffic laws are.
Drivers in Memphis don’t make left-hand turns the way the law says. They don’t pull up until their front bumper is in front of the lane they intend to turn into and then turn 90 degrees, directly into that lane. They see the road they want to turn left onto and begin turning well before they’ve even reached the road, usually ending up traveling the wrong way, completely in the oncoming lane, where they honk and curse at anyone who dares to be there in their way. Then they slowly make their way over to the right side of the road at their leisure. The younger and more energetic drivers will end up halfway in the ditch on the wrong side and just sort of skid over in one big “Dukes of Hazzard” sort of maneuver, careening over and skidding off the opposite side before straightening out and heading on, sort of like a drunk pilot trying to land a plane.
Some people who are politically incorrect will assume “black neighborhood = bad” and “white neighborhood = safe”. You can’t do this in Memphis. Just assume all your neighbors are criminals and wait to see if they prove you wrong. They may, or they may not, but the predominant race or races of the area really don’t tell you anything around here. Also unhelpful - wealth and status. Just because it’s a rich neighborhood doesn’t mean it’s a good neighborhood. Buyer beware.
Memphis cops don’t like to be bothered with anything short of a murder, which there is no shortage of, so if you meet one for any reason, even if they are a total jackass to you, just keep your mouth shut and go along. The Taser Corporation has intentionally designed their torture devices to fire the lower prong into the groin, effectively creating a weapon of genital torture prohibited by the Geneva Convention and the Bill of Rights prohibition against cruel and unusual punishment. But so far no one has done anything about this, so many Memphis cops are carrying these things when they meet you, and they don’t think twice about using them. They also have fists, which they will use as well. Don’t think that because you are a woman this protects you from being punched and slammed face-first into your car or the asphalt. Memphis is a rough place. Memphis has rough cops. Shut up, hang up your cell phone, and get your license out before you have to be asked. And if you know the Mayor, good for you. Don’t bring it up. It will just piss them off. He's a whack-job.
Yes, we know our roads suck. You don’t need to tell us. To put this into perspective, just cross the state line into either Mississippi, 10 minutes to the south, or Arkansas, just over the river, and see if you don’t love our roads all of a sudden. You think we have bad roads? You ain’t seen bad roads yet. Yeeeha!
Dead people vote here. Get used to it. Also, people vote well outside their appointed districts. Sure it’s illegal, but if they tried to arrest everyone who did it they’d have to round up half the city, so they just let it slide. It’s so common that most Memphis voters don’t even know it’s wrong.
Our news is not exactly politically correct. Most of our newscasters are of a race other than white and they don’t give a damn what the white PC liberals think should or shouldn’t be known by the general population. They’ll show the criminal’s face no matter what color or sex they are. They’ll show drug dealers in the Projects and cops who got caught pimping for hookers. They’ll show our mayor talking shit like a lunatic and our state senator high on crack jabbering on about how her family owns the funeral business around here and can get her all the votes she needs. They don’t care. They just want to be noticed as good reporters so they can move to a better city with higher pay. Not that they don’t get paid pretty damned well here. They sure do. Damned well.
The confederate flag and a bumper sticker proudly saying, “REDNECK” are a strange sort of gang-sign. Inside the city, it’s an invitation to be shot. Outside the city, it’s a sign of belonging. Several people have died over this.
The correct pronunciation of “Barack Obama” in Memphis is “Brack Omama.”
No one in Memphis cares about Rudy Giuliani, so you can pronounce it anyway you like.
Baby Boomers who still try to be cool on their Harleys are now so fat and feeble that they drop them on the pavement while stopping to rev their engines in front of hot girls on Beale Street. And then, of course, they are humiliated when everyone turns to look and cheer when the bike comes crashing down. Dude, you’re old and fat and you do NOT look cool on that thing. You look like a Weeble (i.e. - a Wibbly Wobbly for all of you in the UK and the Great and Rising Kingdom of Australia.)
Everyone in Memphis knows that there are really only 2 kinds of people who ever visit the National Civil Rights Museum: black people and white liberal girls who enjoy feeling guilty about things they didn’t even do.
“I’ll get that information and get back to you,” is Memphis-speak for “as soon as I get off the phone I’m going to forget you and hope you never call back.”
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