Showing posts with label penis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label penis. Show all posts

Roads That Lead To Me

I was just looking at my blogger stats, suddenly aware for the first time that Blogspot actually gives me some sort of feedback regarding what it is that brings people to my blog, what doesn't, and what people like the most.

Apparently what people like the most is .... penis.






Click to make it bigger


After penis, people like Michelle Monaghan. Then they like Bridget Moynahan. I can't blame anyone for those two. I quite like them myself.

The next item, I don't know what the hell that is. How does this funky symbol lead to my blog when I don't even know what it is?

Jillian Barberie ranks after a funky symbol? I'll bet she'd be crushed if she knew that. I mean, how does a person rank lower than a symbol like that?

And then nude. That's an obvious one.

Spanking? People are led to my blog by doing a Google search for 'spanking'? I don't remember posting about spanking.

Ah Casey Anthony. So many women want to burn her at the stake. So many men secretly would be totally willing to 'do' her.

And then Bridget Moynahan again.

And then Michelle Monaghan one more time, just because she's doubly hot.


Sooooo, penis is the number one search term leading to this blog by over 3000 votes? Wow! I totally didn't see that coming.





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Dear Penis


Dear Penis,

I realize you have been feeling neglected of late and I am sorry. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just haven't felt like being close with anyone. Not even you.

Maybe it's the weather, but I have been having headaches lately. With all these warm fronts and then cold fronts that come with tornadoes attached, I suppose the dramatic weather and pressure changes are probably to blame. I know that is no excuse for holing up in front of the TV by myself, but when my head is hurting I don't much feel like doing anything or being with anyone. Not even you.

I feel like we have grown apart. Even when we're together, it's just not the same as it used to be. You used to be so excited to see me. But these days you just sit there with your head hanging down and barely acknowledge me at all. Sometimes I wonder if you even know I'm there. Or care.

I know I don't feel the same when I see you as I used to, I'll admit that. I think the hormone-crazed teen years are just so far behind me now that I will never feel that way again. I have to accept that. We both do. Time and maturity has changed us both. You don't stand as tall and straight as you used to. Time has beaten you down. And I guess I have to admit that it has done the same to me. Some days I feel as if I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. The stress of it wears me down and I neglect important relationships. I neglect you. I used to feel guilty about it, but I don't anymore. I hope it doesn't hurt you to hear me say that, because it's true. I don't feel the same about you as I once did.

It's not you, it's me. I have changed. We both have. We have grown apart. I think we should see other people.


Sincerely,

Me











 
 
 


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Wicked Wednesday

male bashing video game

Male Bashing Packaged and Marketed as a Video Game

There's a new female-only video game out. It's called "Hey Baby" and it's a first person shoot'em up game in which a woman walks down the street shooting and killing various random men for the 'crime' of speaking to her. The ever-female supremacist media is thrilled about it, celebrating the blatantly sexist nature of the game. The game is currently sold out, indicating that not only do a substantial number of women consider misandric sexism to be acceptable, but highly desirable and thus profitable as well. Expect a flood of misandric video games following the success of this one. Male bashing is easy money.


pedro power

Pedro and Jose Live Longer Than You

A new study has found that in the United States, Hispanics outlive whites and blacks both, by several years. The US Congress, the single largest exploiter of illegal alien labor, has indicated that this is a non-issue and nothing to be concerned about. "As long as it isn't white males outliving anybody there is no problem here", a US Government official representing the White House said.


Obama templing

Obama Objects to Americans Fear of his Marxism

US President Barack "Daddy Warbucks" Obama is accusing Republicans of "fear mongering" and cites the American voters' overwhelming fear of President Obama's destructive Marxist policies as proof. "The American People are utterly terrified of what I'm doing to the economy, not only of America, but the entire world, with my progressive redistribution of wealth policies. I am the first black Robin Hood and I should be celebrated, worshipped even, for my great achievements and social justice policies. There is simply no excuse for Americans to be afraid just because I might be damaging the future of America a little bit."


gay republicans

Gay Old Republicans

Almost as if in response to the criticisms the Tea Party has leveled against the Republican Party leadership and its stubbornly out-of-touch policies, a tiny, but powerful homosexual wing of the Republican Party, the Log Cabin Republican, have successfully sued the United States military to end its "Don't ask, don't tell" policy for homosexuals serving in the armed forces. The lawsuit could not possibly be further out of sync with the views and values of conservative Republican voters. The lawsuit illustrates clearly the chasm of disconnect that exists between the voters and the Republican Party leaders, who have recently allied with Democratic Party leaders in a join effort to crush the Tea Party uprising in what can only be described as the most self-serving and short-sighted effort ever by Republican Party leaders. Tea Party supporters, should they ultimately abandon the Republican Party, would leave the Republican Party a tiny shadow of its former self, irrelevant and unwinnable in any future elections.


gay pianist

Peking Penis Pianist

An armless pianist has won the first ever season of "China's Got Talent" by playing the piano with his genitalia. "It's truly amazing to see," one noticably excited Chinese woman said. "I have never seen any man do what this man can do with his dingaling and dangleberries. I think I love him!"


Paul Henry

New Zealand Not Laughing At Dikshit

A New Zealand television host has quit his job over a dispute relating to his mispronunciation of Sheila Dikshit's fairly awkward and obviously humorous name. "You can't tell me that her name isn't hilarious," the disgruntled host allegedly or possibly never said. "Any New Zealander who can't see the humor in this is a disgrace to our great nation and should pack up and move to America, with all of their ridiculous political correctness and pink fucking everything all over the place."


buns

Flooding in Rio

Massive flooding in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, has prompted thousands of sleek, sexy Brazilian women to throw off their clothing and swim to work in the nude. "We are Brazilian," one anonymous nude woman said. "We won't let a little thing like water stop us from living our lives. We can swim like fish." The American Embassy in Brazil has reported a different type of flood, one consisting of American photographers flying into Rio to photograph the amazing spectacle. "I can't really blame them," Ambassador Keanue Reeves was reported to have said. "These Brazilian women are super hot."


GGW

Aliens Signaling Earth with a Special Offer

Australian astronomer Ragbir Bhathal claims to have detected a signal from the vicinity of Gliese 581g, the planet in the zone of habitability for life. He explained, "I have deciphered the signal and determined that it is an advertisement for "Girls Gone Wild" DVDs. I have ordered 10 of them so that I can study this new alien life form at play. It is all for the efforts of science."


Elle Navarro

Loonies On The Path

Yesterday in traffic I noticed a high level of lunacy and rage on the part of drivers. All I knew was that a cold front had been replaced with a warm front, my knee was hurting and rain was expected. I had assumed the hot weather following the cold was to blame. But then I read about the earthquake in Oklahoma and it made more sense to me. The worst traffic I have ever seen, with the most insanely aggressive and lunatic behavior, was the day before a major earthquake in Illinois. I was going to write another Loonies on the Path post about it, but I just never got around to it. So this is it.


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Memphis' Product Review



August 29, 2008 9:20 PM
From: "Sara Smith"
To: nudememphis

Hi,

I am the webmaster of www.peloop.com

I find your blog very interesting to read. Your way of writing can magnet and lure a lot of visitors/readers. Would you be able to write about our product after visiting our site?

Or if you have a friend who is interested to try our product, we can send you one. From this, you can gain insights and share your friend's experience to us.

I would really be interested to know if you would be able to post your findings/review in your blog http://stevenjones.blogspot.com, it may be a positive or negative one, with links to our site.


Regards,
Sara Smith
greenAphrodite@gmail.com




Dear Sara,

Oh, what the hell. Send it on and I'll do it. This shit is tailor made for my blog. Anyway, it's not like I've got anything better to do all day.

Steve


"Ha ha! Fooled you, I don't have a dick!"


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Blue Memphis

Wife: Why is your pee pee blue?

Me: My what?

Wife: Your pee pee ... why is it blue?

Me: What am I, 5 years old? My PEE PEE, seriously?

Wife: Oh shut up. Why is it blue?

Me: I don't know. It's just hanging there not doing anything. Why does it matter? Maybe it's blue because it's lonely? Maybe you need to pay more attention to it?

Wife: Oh ha ha.


Well, the Summer Olympics are over. NBC has been obsessing over the medal count. Oh China has more gold than we do, but we have more overall than anyone. And China cheated with those toddlers in gymnastics, dammit!

Here's something to think about:

The United States has 110 medals.
China has 100
Russia has 72
The UK has 47
Australia has 46

Now let's consider an important factor. Every nation has to pull its' finest athletes from its' available population. So the more people a nation has, the more talent it should have available. What would the medal count look like if we corrected for population differences? I mean, China has over a billion people. How many medals would the United States have if we factored in the population difference? What would the medal count be for all of the top 5 in an equal world?

China has an estimated population of 1,321,851,888
The US has 301,139,947
Russia has 141,377,752
The United Kingdom has 60,776,238
Australia has 20,434,176

So, China has 4.4 more people than the United States, 9.4 more than Russia, 21.8 more than the UK, and 64.7 more than Australia. Let's factor this in and see what the new medal count would look like:

United States - 484 medals
China - 100 medals
Russia - 677 medals (anyone else notice that they have some of the fastest white women in the world in track?)
UK - 1025 medals
Australia - 2976 medals

So, Australia would have blown away everyone else by a mile if they just had more people. Which is why I need to move there. I used to be really good in track.

OK, OK, I know this isn't entirely scientific. I just multiplied the existing medal counts by the difference in population with China. It's a little more complicated than that even from a purely mathematical perspective, but even so, it was fun and would probably stir up a lot of excitement among the math challenged reporters at NBC.




Olympic competition


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Penis

sex shop

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss


The Response:

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed an assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina


* Sent to me in an email from Brighton
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