First Day of Summer

So, it has been awhile since I sat down to write straight off the top of my head, or out of my ass, as it were. But today I resume my habit of totally improper and unplanned writing in honor of the first day of summer, 2010.

It's scorching hot already. It has been for a few weeks now. After the really cold winter we had, most of us were expecting a mild summer, with minimal bugs (all frozen solid last winter) and fewer weeds (also frozen solid.) Boy were we all wrong! The bugs are everywhere, including in the house, crawling right through the trails of toxic chemicals I've sprayed around to keep them at bay, and the weeds are growing faster than we can rip them out. I tilled a section of garden at the request of Mrs. Memphis and urged her to quickly plant whatever she intended for that spot. She ignored me, as usual, and left the turned soil untended. It is now a solid patch of creeping shit and fuzzy vines that are all a major pain to get rid of.

And the poison ivy, oh my God, it is growing like a fucking alien in some lousy science fiction movie, like you can almost see it moving through the trees and strangling them, reaching out and grabbing wayward squirrels as they scream "help me! help me!" and setting traps for small children. I have always been lucky enough to be immune to this shit, but Mrs Memphis is deathly allergic to it. So imagine my joy and surprise when this year, for the first time ever, I emerged from my battles with the toxic plants with a reaction that took me 2 full weeks to identify.

Hey, all I knew was that my calf was periodically bugging the crap out of me with itching, but it seemed like no big deal. Then I showed it to Mrs Memphis and she screamed, "you've got poison ivy! Get away from me!" I looked it up on the internet, which said it would not spread and would only last for 2 weeks. So I informed Mrs Memphis that the 2 weeks were up and it should go away any minute now.

"Like hell," she screamed. "It'll spread through your bloodstream and break out in other places that never touched the stuff and you'll have it at least a month."

So, going on the fourth week now, I seem to be clearing up a little. I have random itching at various places on my body, but no one spot in particular that needs attention.


Thumpin' tunes
Anyway, I had a lovely new stereo installed in my 4x4 a few weeks ago. With all of the miles I do back and forth to Memphis I figured I needed some decent tunes instead of simply relying on random radio DJs to offer me worthwhile choices, so I had something put in. It was great for 3 weeks. Then I went to drive myself to Memphis, only to discover that the truck is totally dead. No electricity. It seems something has drained the battery all the way down, and when I try to put it on a battery charger, the charger flashes at me and won't charge. Something is fucked up. Oh joyous day in the morning, it's 100 degrees outside and not much cooler in the garage. I really don't want to be bothered with this crap right now. But, of course, now is precisely the time I should be expecting failures like this. Sure as hell, if anything is going to die on a vehicle, it is going to die at the worst possible time, and/or in the worst possible weather. I'm hopeful that all I need is a new battery, but I apparently won't know until I remove the battery, with sweat pouring down my face, haul it to some autoparts store for them to test, and then shell out the big bucks for another one, which I will then install, with sweat pouring down my face again, and try out.

It's still early morning and it is already 85 degrees with 60 percent humidity, making it feel like 90 degrees. It's expected to reach 98 today once the sun is high overhead. Combined with the humidity it will feel closer to 105. That's Fahrenheit. I think that's 45 or something in Celsius. I could look it up, but honestly, I don't want to.


"Father's Day is a day for hating"

So, it was Father's Day this past weekend. Our espized President Obama took the opportunity of a day celebrating the importance of fathers and fatherhood to make a speech. In his speech he bashed fathers in the same tired old way that he does every single year, and much as all politicians in general do whenever they want to kiss up to the misandric feminists, which is pretty much all the time.

Yes, President Barack Obama, a bastard child who was raised not by his mother, but by his grandparents, celebrated Father's Day by bashing fathers as a group.

And then he went back to playing golf with his buddies, leaving his wife and children behind.


Oil leak? What oil leak?

Meanwhile, the CEO of British Petroleum, having been removed from all responsibilities relating to the Gulf Oil Spill, went yachting. The CEO of BP has since taken a beating in The Press over his yachting weekend, while our President, the man who removed the BP CEO from responsibility for the spill and declared that "we will not rest" until this crisis in the Gulf has been dealt with, was playing golf and bashing on fatherhood. President Obama somehow escaped any criticisms for his golfing and soccer-watching and father-bashing while the Gulf is puking up oil, despite his promises that he would not rest until the puking is stopped.

The next day, on Fox News' O'Reilly Report, the infamously grouchy and perpetually interrupting Bill O'Reilly himself mentioned the speech, playing the part in which Barack Obama bashes on fathers and fatherhood. And then Bill O'Reilly said, "hear, hear!" and applauded the father-bashing. Bill O'Reilly is a spineless weasel when it comes to any issue relating to men, kissing the ass of every female guest shamelessly before resuming his rude interrupting of them. The President, meanwhile, is a Chicago cunt of epic proportions in general, but especially on Fathers Day.


Eat it, Bill

I received a package all the way from Australia this past weekend. It seems that an ongoing conversation about price differences between the United States and Australia inspired a package containing newspaper ads and a few bonuses from one Utegirl.


Merry Aussiemas - from Ute

Thank you, Ute, for sending this to me! I fully intend to suck hot chocolate through every single one of those Tim Tams, with the help of my hot chocolate-loving wife, of course. And then I will suck down the Vegemite on crackers until it's all gone, 'cause I actually like the stuff. While I'm eating the Tim Tams and Vegemite (separately, of course), I will flip through the Aussie ads and try to convince Mrs Memphis that there is no such thing as poison ivy in Australia and should we move there we would never have to worry with it again.


Not just another pretty plant

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June's First Humpday

I got behind a Saab in traffic this morning. Saabs are like the Tasmanian tiger, thought to be extinct, but every now and then someone reports seeing one. I see them here and there, on very rare occasions. Every time I do, I think to myself, "who the hell buys those things? How are they still in business?"

Invariably, if I get next to a Saab it is almost always driven by a black person. I don't know why that is. I've noticed that a lot of Volvos are also driven by black people and I wonder about that as well. It doesn't get much "whiter" than Volvo, but something about them seems to appeal to a certain segment of the black population. I've never thought to ask. It's just one of those phantom thoughts that passes through my mind and then back out again before I can do anything with it. Maybe I should put some sort of poll on the internet?

When I was working at the Big Memphis Express Shipping Company, I briefly had a coworker who drove a real piece-of-shit Saab that he dragged all the way down from New York City with him when he came to work for us. He was an Orthodox Jew straight from the Jewish Harlem of New York, whatever that means. I think he had a summer home in the Catskills or something. Anyway, he was an odd sort of guy, with squeaky black leather shoes, black pants held up by suspenders, a white button-down shirt with a tie, and a yalmulka. And, of course, thick glasses on his face. He would entertain me with politically incorrect jokes that few men can get away with telling in public. It wasn't the sort of thing you'd expect your local rabbi to go around saying, but it made me laugh my ass off. Anyway, his Saab got broken into and the radio was stolen out of it. He was pretty upset about it. It seems the ingenius Memphis thieves merely had to grab one of his windows and pull and it just came right out of the tracks. They laid the window glass on the roof of the car and opened the door to get to the stereo. It was a piece of shit stereo, just like the car itself, but they took it anyway. That's just how we roll in Memphis.

Has anyone ever seen a customized Saab before? I know I haven't. I'm waiting for the day I run across a black man in a Saab with his seat laid back, driving all slouched over and leaning towards the console, with his baseball hat on crooked, rolling along on 24 inch rims with the spinners on them that keep spinning around even when the car is stopped, a nasty metallic lavender paint job, and a thumpin' stereo.

Well, I guess it won't likely have the thumpin' stereo seeing as all it takes to steal it is to pull on one of the windows.


Saab - who drives these things?

I've been having a lot of dreams over the past week. I'm stressed at work and our seasons are shifting into Summer, so maybe the combination of the two has influenced my sleep patterns? I don't know. My dreams aren't bad, mostly. But I keep waking up, like four times per night, and I realize I have been dreaming heavily. So far none of the dreams have been anything terribly exciting. I haven't dreamed about having sex with Jessica Biel or flying like Superman or anything. It's all been relatively ordinary things like driving to the store or talking to people I very much wish to see. I wouldn't be surprised if one of these nights I dream about sitting in a recliner watching television. It's just mostly been those sorts of dreams. Of course, when the morning comes I'm frequently tired. I feel happy, for the most part, because I spent all night talking to people I wanted to talk to. I guess it's like sitting around a table at a bar drinking with friends, except I never get a bill for it. This could also explain the waking up four times a night and going to pee.


Dreams

Our President is trying to act all presidential about the BP oil spill. And our media keeps saying it's worse than the Exxon Valdez spill. Well, of course it is - it's an oil well, not a damn ship! It has many times the amount of oil any ship can contain and it is currently spewing it out into the Gulf. And why is this well so far out in the Gulf and so unreachably far underwater? Why, because our environmental extremists demanded that there be no oil wells inland or in the shallow waters because it might be 'dirty' and there might be a leak or two. So they forced the oil companies deep out into the ocean, where a leak that could easily be fixed in a matter of hours inland, or perhaps a whole day in shallow water, is a fucking nightmare to deal with when it is way down deep at the bottom of the ocean where no oil company would wish to drill unless it was forced to.


How did they get this far out into the ocean?

Our fatherless President is posturing and thumping his fists on the podium as he swears that BP will pay for this horrible atrocity. I'd like to know when the idiots who pushed the oil companies out into the depths of the ocean are going to be held accountable. This could have easily been avoided if we'd stop letting the most narcissistic and fanatical of zealots run our country.


To Steal, Kill and Destroy

When I was a little kid, every summer my entire family would pile into our Dodge van and drive 15 hours or so halfway across the United States to visit relatives in Texas. Along the way, we'd pass countless oil rigs pumping away in fields all through Texas. Today those same fields are doing fine. There is no giant environmental disaster marring the countryside in Texas. They've had oil wells all over the state for 100 years. Yet today our most religious of fanatical Leftists decry these wells as an atrocity and demand that all drilling in the United States stop immediately. Send it out to sea. Or better yet, let the entire rest of the world drill, even in our backyard, just so long as we don't do it. Let the Mexicans drill for oil. Let Brazil do it. Let the communist Chinese come into the Gulf of Mexico and drill alongside BP. The environmentalists in America are fine with that. Just so long as we don't pump a single drop of oil ourselves.

And no nuclear plants, either, because those are evil!

Oh no, we're going to be "progressive", which is to say, we're going to stop all progress and step back in time to giant windmills like they have in Holland. We're going to wear wooden shoes and clothing made by weaving blades of grass together. We might allow lithium battery power, but only if the lithium comes from somewhere else. Don't anyone dare to search for it here in the United States.

Oh no, we're going to wrap the entire country, hell, the entire planet, in a big plastic bag, and then we're going to suck all the air out of it to help preserve everything like Grandma's favorite orange felt couch from the 1970s, and we're going to force every living thing off the planet in order to "save" it.

Yep, because we're idiots.


No drilling anywhere ever!

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