Bridesmaids is a former SNL-cast-member movie along the lines of some of the previous former SNL cast member movies in that it involves some farting and some puking and some bathroom humor of the sort we've all come to expect from anyone who has ever been associated with SNL in any way, but before you groan and write it off as another Adam Sandler shitpile, let me tell you more. First of all, and perhaps most importantly, Adam Sandler does not appear anywhere in this movie. So there's one star in the movie's favor right off the bat. Second of all, and this is important, three of the six starring women in the cast are reasonably hot. So there's 2 stars. This one free star for having hot women in the movie is something Adam Sandler has always counted on for his own really shitty, degrading and low-class movies, and with good reason - it works.
OK, but beyond this, the movie is actually reasonably intelligently written. The acting is good. The love story, even though it does involve the old stand-by of boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back in the end, except with the sexes reversed, it was handled better than most recent films have managed. The main character of the film, played by Kristen Wiig, is in the middle of a major low point in her life, having lost her business and her boyfriend at the same time, sleeping with a rich sleezebag who is just using her, played by Mad Men's own Jon Hamm, and now her best friend is getting married. She is asked to be the maid of honor. But much to her surprise, she learns that her lifelong best friend has another best friend she never knew about, and this other friend, played by Rose Byrne, is rich, pretty, and seems to do absolutely everything perfectly. Of course, this drive's Kristen's character crazy. As her own life continues to spiral downward into the crapper, her best friend's life, and the 'other' best friend, seem to have it all.
There was a point in the film when Kristen's character seems to be at rock bottom, sitting on her mother's couch, having been fired and kicked out of her apartment in the same week, watching Tom Hanks floating in the ocean and calling out to a lost volleyball named Wilson while she cries in sympathy, that I found myself thinking "there is no fucking way a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, skinny hot chick ever sinks as low as this. This only happens to losers, people like me, and no loser looks like Kristen Wiig. I have a friend who has very similar features to Kristen Wiig, except she's even better looking, and despite having experienced a few low periods in her life, it all predictably worked out for her in the end such that today she's driving a Porsche Boxter convertible, as we all knew she one day would, because that is just how the world works when you're blonde, blue-eyed, skinny, hot and female. But aside from that, the story works. So three stars because the story works.
I should quickly point out, in my friend's defense, that neither she or her husband ever gave up when they together were at a low point and both worked their asses off to be where they are today. But still, they are so good-looking and we just all knew they'd be rich and successful eventually because that's just how it is.
OK, getting to the most important factor in rating this movie: was it funny? Yes, it was hilariously fucking funny. I went to see it with the Mrs and she was still laughing as we walked out to the parking lot. 2 hours later, she was still periodically remembering scenes from the movie and laughing. That night, laying in bed trying to sleep, she was still bursting out laughing. That's a pretty big deal right there. So 2 more stars and that maxes out this film with a total of 5 stars out of a possible 5. The story is good and it is funny as shit. If you don't go see it you're an idiot.
Oh, and no one gets hit in the balls in the entire movie. So bonus fucking star for that!
Total Score: 6 out of a possible 5 stars ******
Bridesmaids by ThePlaylist
X-Men: First Class is another origins story, taking the X-Men back to the 1960s, when Charles Xavier had hair and could walk, and Mystique was a girl who lived with him in Oxford and wanted to be his girlfriend, except he was too stupid to ever sleep with that raging blue hottie. Mystique in this film is played by curvaceous Jennifer Lawrence, although there is a cameo by the original Mystique actress, Rebecca Romijn.
The film goes all the way back to WWII, where we see young Erik Lehnsherr, the future Magneto, being encouraged by the Nazis to use his powers and develop them. Of course, being Nazis, their idea of encouragement was to shoot his mother in order to get his attention. I suppose this is intended to make us feel sympathy for him, but the fact is that Nazis and Jewishness and all that is really, really old and tired in the world of movies and I just didn't feel any interest in going back quite that far. So Magneto hates Nazis? Fine, but he hates pretty much everybody, so how sympathetic can we really be towards him? Plus, he gets all the hot chicks at the end of the movie.
I hope I didn't spoil that little detail for you by telling you, but it's true. Magneto gets ALL the hot chicks.
Things get interesting when January Jones enters the story, dressed only in lingerie and portraying the telepathic White Queen. It was weird to see Betty Draper running around in her underwear, still in 1962, only now she was super sexy and anxious to hurt people instead of just crazy as hell like in Mad Men. Meanwhile, Don Draper is driving a Porsche and sleeping with Kristen Wiig in "Bridesmaids." Did I forget to mention that? It's true. Don Draper is doing Kristen Wiig's character while his ex-wife is doing Kevin Bacon.
Oh yeah, Kevin Bacon is the king supervillain in this film, and he does it so very well. Plus, now everyone in the film gets bonus points for being in a movie with Kevin Bacon rather than being one or two degrees separated from him like everyone else in the entire freaking world. You're familiar with the Kevin Bacon Game, right? Its where you try to determine just how many degrees of separation there are between any actor or actress you can think of, and Kevin Bacon. Almost everyone in the industry is no more than 5 degrees apart from him. I shit you not.
Also in this film, the very pretty Rose Byrne, who simultaneously plays the perfect rival bridesmaid/best friend in "Bridesmaids." Seriously, what a coincidence!
Anyway, the story is pretty interesting, aside from the Nazi shit, and once January Jones enters the story I was riveted. This film is worth seeing, especially if you've gone to see any of the other comic book genre of movies. If you've seen X-Men I, II and III (Last Stand) then you absolutely have to see this one. Halle Berry was hot as hell in those first three X-Men movies, but I think January Jones gives her one hell of a run for her money in this one. Go see it.
Total Score: 5 stars out of 5, despite the stupid Nazi references, and also because no one gets hit in the balls
So there you have it. I didn't give you too many spoilers, I hope, and I tried not to simply rehash the entire story. Basically, both of these movies are very much worth seeing, even while totally sober.
And one last thing, if you feel the need to pull out your cell phone and text during the movie, do everyone else a favor and shove that phone up your self-centered ass. We paid a shitload of money to see the movie and when you pull that fucking phone out and text, all we see is the blinding glare of white light from your stupid phone. Seriously, just say "NO" to texting or any other cell-related activities during any movie.
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