Fuck You Friday
It's another Fuck You Friday.
"If I am not for me, who is for me, if I am not for myself, what am I, and if not now, when?"
Prisoner caught with grenade where?
Up his patooty, where all good prisoners hide their goodies, of course.
Topless wife photo ends man's pole protest
That would do it for me. Honey, I’m coming down. Show me those up close and personal
Rules force man to urinate in bottle in exam
The teachers were so mean they wouldn’t even let him go pee, so a girl emptied her water bottle and let him pee in that right there in the classroom.
Superstition sparks toilet cleaning craze
So my wife is just superstitious? I always suspected as much. So why do I always have to clean it?
Human liver, part of head sent to home
Honey, I think this must be for you.
Trickster put shark in Austrian river
Ha ha, very funny. Somebody beat this fool’s ass.
Swiss accidentally invade Liechtenstein
Sorry, sorry, we got a little over excited. Again, very sorry.
Sword fight ensues after S.C. break-in
What kind of fool breaks into an apartment wielding a sword in the first place? Dude, the science fiction convention isn’t for another month.
Nagin: New Orleans aggressive in claims
The racist mayor of
Girl Gangs at School
Again with the lesbian gangs sexually assaulting and molesting students in Memphis high schools in an ongoing war against heterosexual students. But you’ll only hear about it in the Memphis local news ‘cause the national news doesn’t want anyone to know that this sort of thing is on the rise as schools aggressively promote homosexuality. Remember when they started aggressively promoting high self-esteem and then had all those gang and gun problems start popping up all over the country? You’d think teachers would figure this shit out eventually, but apparently not.
Mayor Herenton Alleges Conspiracy at MLGW
Here in
If a kiss shows genuine love, does gender matter?
The
Obama's ancestors may have owned slaves
This could get interesting. If he were a Republican. But since he’s a Democrat it will simply get buried under stories about Libby and Anna Nicole Smith and anything else the news editors can find to pile on top of it.
Coalition airstrike hits Afghan house
The airstrike hit a lot of things. That’s what airstrikes do. But when your goal is to betray your country and its efforts to defeat its enemies this is the only thing that interests you. This is the only thing you want anyone to see. Hide the countless victories and focus your cameras on every little mistake, misstep, or injury so that you can undermine and ultimately defeat the nation in which you live. Then you can bitch and whine when enemy nations view you as being so weak and pathetic that they send a team of moron terrorists from their sheep farms to fly jets into your buildings and kill your family. They know you won’t do anything about it because you’re a pussy who undermines any attempt to stand up and fight back. Yay for the American Press!
1 dead, 3 wounded in workplace shooting
Dammit, I’m tired of the toilets lecturing me! EVERYONE MUST DIE! AAAUGH!
Mom says Georgia 'girl bandit' is sorry
Oh, well that makes it OK then.
Missing: a huge chunk of the earth's crust
Al Gore took it to use in his movie.
Spiky oddball prowled ocean half billion years ago
I didn't know Don King was that old.
Men on antidepressants drink less often
Then I guess Prozac may actually be what killed the
Parents beat up principal over grades
Apparently Americans aren’t the only ones unhappy with their schools.
Starbucks steams at 'Starstrucks' coffee chain
American corporations are totally in love with
New York may never win its war on rats
Maybe if they’d stop electing them to high political offices that might help?
Global warming is human rights issue: Nobel nominee
Of course it is, and any day now the weather-activists will be marching on Selma once again, reliving their glory days or in most cases the glory days of their grandparents. It’s really all about feeling important. To hell with the issue itself. In the old days these people would march around pretending to be Napoleon or Teddy Roosevelt, but today they can all band together and pretend to be marching on some enemy camp.
Anglican leader extolls unity on poverty, AIDS
No mention was made on the need for unity in standing for Christ though. Apparently that isn’t very high on the Anglican leaders’ list of important things to do.
Some states put untrained cops on duty
Some states send untrained lunatics to Congress.
China could put astronauts on moon in 15 years: expert
Yes, you’re very welcome for the vital technology you stole from us that made this possible.
Bush embarks on ethanol diplomacy to rebuff Chavez
The only way to effectively “rebuff” a sociopath like Chavez is to shoot him in the head.
Schwarzenegger stops short of endorsing Giuliani
Of course he didn’t endorse him. Giuliani is only a Republican on Mondays and Wednesdays. Arnold, on the other hand, is a Republican on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
U.S., North Korea discuss relations
I might like you better if we slept together. I might like you better if we slept together. I might …. Anyone else remember this song?
R-rated movies lure white teens into smoking: study
Yes, that’s the worst thing they’re influenced to do by watching bad movies. Sexually assaulting each other, on the other hand, is no big deal. Thanks Disney. Did they really do a study only for white teens?
Recurrent Chlamydia common in young women
I might like you better if we slept together. I might like you better if … hang on, what’s that?
Experts want new definition of torture
Being tasered in the testicles, for example, probably ought to be included among the list of things that qualify as torture. But then the police might have to stop using them until the Taser Corporation fixes the guns to make them stop doing that. Have you ever watched a police training video in which the cops taser each other? Yeah, they always turn their backs to the gun before allowing themselves to be shot. Guess why?
Alaska moose brings down helicopter
It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s … a moose!!!!!
Man tells Wis. police he's a werewolf
Prove it.
Threat of "ice bombs" closes major Toronto streets
The Canadians have frozen weapons of mass destruction!!!
First woman in space dreams of flying to Mars
I wonder what the first man in space dreamed of? Oh yeah, flying to Mars.
Arctic spiders may hold clues to global warming
While they’re at it see if they can find the mysterious “glass ceiling” we hear so much about. Oh wait, I see it. Why am I the only one down here?
Teenager leaves "deposit" in bank
Let’s see you charge a monthly fee on this, you bastards!
Libby found guilty in CIA leak trial
They couldn’t get any of the people they wanted, and they couldn’t prove any of the things they initially claimed, so they grabbed the janitor and convicted him of leaking secrets overheard while scrubbing the toilets. Actually, they convicted him of lying about being innocent. Good job, boys and girls, you’re so awesome!
Libby verdict may haunt rest of Bush term
That was the whole point of convicting a man who had absolutely nothing to do with anything. He was their straw man.
U.S. Mint goof creates 'Godless dollars'
It’s been pretty Godless here for a long time now. It was no goof. It was apathy.
Communism in Cuba should end when Castro dies: Bush
And what about in
Study raises questions about circumcision in AIDS
Sexually mutilating a man has nothing to do with preventing disease. When they revived circumcision back at the end of the 19th century they claimed it was to stop masturbation. It’s not about preventing anything. It’s about money for hacking up boy’s genitals before he’s old enough to say ‘no’.
Surgeon general: Teen drinking a problem
No no, it’s not the drinking that’s the problem. It’s the getting the beer in the first place. I remember how it was. We used to funnel piss from
Meat-loving calf eats chickens
Hide the children, Ethel!
Catfish assault reported at Tenn. diner
Yeah officer, I’d know him anywhere. He was about this long and had spines and these whiskery things coming out from his upper lip and he stank. He assaulted my wife here and stole her purse.
Cops: Groom hit his bride with car
In the old days they’d just smash wedding cake in each other’s face. Things sure have changed since I got married.
Army to investigate racism claims
What’s to investigate? If the accused is a white male you’ll declare him guilty on sight. If he’s any other race, female, or gay you’ll say ‘no harm, no foul’ and let it drop. Same ole same ole.
Bartlett Father Gets Pre-Trail Diversion in Accidental Death of His Infant Daughter
Pre-trail?
Dems to seek withdrawal from Iraq by '08
Just in time for the election. How quaint.
More women working but inequalities are acute: U.N.
Here's an acute inequality: they use the men's taxes to create and promote female-owned competitor businesses, driving the men's businesses under. They even set up business centers where they only allow women's business to operate in order to assure that the men can't compete. Then, when the men get angry and point out the obvious sex discrimination, they say that men's resulting anger is proof that men are mean and sexist and deserving of being discriminated against. It's sort of like if the Ku Klux Klan said that black people not liking the Klan is proof that the Klan needs to exist. And this is just how it's done in the U.S. It's worse where the U.N. is doing it.
Legless panda needs a hand to improve sex life
Yeah, I'm not doing that. Do hookers service pandas?
Senators promise drug importation push
By all means, lets import
U.S. faulted for cutting aid to India
Why are we sending aid to
Papers drop Coulter column after Edwards slur
If you listen to her comments about Edwards you’ll notice that she never actually called him anything. To me, that's the most interesting part of the whole scandal.
Man burns genitals in 'Jackass' stunt
Mr. Darwin will see you now.
Man, 91, challenges Jack LaLanne, 92
It’s “go time”! Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum!
Kroger: No refusing morning-after pill
Only in
House creates global warming committee
They’re going to work in tandem with the Area 51 committee, the Flat Earth committee, the Sasquatch committee, and the Wealthy Donors' Worthless Children committee.
Houston teachers asked to return bonuses
Yeah, good luck with that.
"Don't discuss polar bears": memo to scientists
Polar bears don’t like being talked about behind their backs. And when polar bears don’t like something they usually kill it. They're sort of like Muslim jihadists, only much cuter.
FBI abused power to get private records: report
So all those private records Hillary Clinton got them to illegally acquire for her are finally leading to some criminal charges? Oh no, my bad. These are totally different records and in this case there was no criminal intent. So you know this time everyone will be prosecuted and thrown into jail, unlike the other time.
Sex offender convicted of murdering 9-year-old Jessica Lunsford, could face death
Well hell, eventually we’re all going to face death. But if you send him to my house he’ll face it much sooner rather than later.
Witness: Doctor 'dehumanized, humiliated' 92-year-old woman by keeping her alive
I remember what that was like. Ah, middle school.
German man chainsaws house in two in divorce split
Nice try, Solomon.
U.N. panel slams Canada for treatment of aboriginals
The United Nations has no room to criticize. But apparently they view themselves as the world’s church because they love to preach, be hypocrites, and protect psychopathic tyrants. So the sermons just keep on coming.
Police arrest more than 30 alleged drug dealers and prostitutes
They were just driving by a random
School bus hits child in Southwest Memphis
That’s one kid with a good reason to hate school.
Chavez leads rally against Bush visit
So is he running up and down the street holding hands with Cindy Sheehan or what?
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