Every once in awhile I'll go look to see how many hits I'm getting each day (less than I used to by a long shot since Google moved me down in their rankings of search terms, apparently.) I also look at where people are coming from. And then I look at what search terms brought them to my doorstep. It's always something other than what I expected.
Number one in the rankings is - "417-208-1248"
Yes, the caller who just won't stop is now my number one search term. Apparently posting this asshat's phone number was doing myself a favor. Not only did they stop calling as soon as I posted it (and filed a complaint) but now they're drawing in countless new visitors to my blog. Yeah for the asshats!
Number two in the rankings is - "Debbie Dunning"
Yes, Debbie Dunning, the Tool Time girl who replaced Pamela Anderson, is my second highest rated search term behind that damned telemarketer. That's a real accomplishment for a telemarketer if you ask me, because Debbie Dunning was HOT HOT HOT. Surprisingly, Debbie's name is in the rankings, but Pamela Anderson's isn't. And I'm pretty sure I've posted photos of both of them along with their names.
Number three is - "Nude Blog"
Yeah well, why do you think I named it this in the first place? Pretty much "nude" anything is going to bring in the searchers at some point. Yeah me! I should've been in marketing.
Four is - "Sarah Michelle Gellar Nude"
When did I ever talk about Sarah Michelle Gellar? Not that I have anything against her. It's just that I don't remember ever writing anything about her or posting her photo. Huh.
Number five, oddly enough, is - "417-208-1248"
Yes, again! It shows up twice because it's just so popular. I don't know why that is.
Number six is - "Shannon Elizabeth see through"
Yes, super sexy and newly divorced Shannon Elizabeth, but not JUST Shannon Elizabeth. As if she isn't sexy enough on her own, she has to be "see through" too! Yeah, not topless, but see through. Go figure.
Number seven - "Brazilian Preteens"
You read that right - PRETEENS. I don't recall ever even using the word "preteen" on my blog, but apparently it leads to me anyway. Isn't it reassuring to know that extraordinarily picky pedophiles just might be commenting alongside you on my blog? Yes, weird people looking for pictures of Brazilian preteens are coming here to me. Great. Fabulous. Creepy.
Number eight, back again, is - "Raccoon Behavior"
This has been in the list for as long as I can remember now and I just don't know why. How can so many people be so interested in raccoon behavior and why, oh God why, do they come to my blog looking for it?
Number nine, proudly, is - "Nude Adrianna Chase"
Yes, Adrianna Chase, a woman who I don't even know who she is or what she does, is drawing in the masses to my lovely little blog. Thank you, Adrianna Chase, for this gift. Please send nude autographed photos of yourself so that I might post them and keep the hits coming!
Number ten, shockingly, is - "Memphis Steve"
Yes, me. People are looking for me. So many people are now looking for me that it registers as one of my top 10 search terms that leads people here. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but there it is all the same. I'm famous. Or maybe infamous. I guess it depends on who you ask.
And now, the "Last 10 Keywords" that lead to my blog:
"Assorted Lovelies" - yeah, who talks like this? I could see "group of naked hot chicks" or "several naked women" or even "nude Brazilian soccer women", but not "assorted lovelies." Sort of makes me curious to see what this actually brings up.
"Raccoon Behavior" - so popular and common that it just happened again this morning. WTF?!
"Nude Sex XXX" - yeah, your 12-year-old son is searching for porn and he wants it real bad. Not the most creative search term, but pretty clear in its' intent, isn't it?
"Nude Army Thong Barracks" - again, a clear and highly precise search for some very specific porn. You go, boyz'n'grrlz!
"Adrianna Lima Nude" - this comes courtesy of my posting about Krista of Oceanaria, who looks a lot like Adrianna Lima, although I've never seen her nude. I mean Krista, of course. I've never seen Krista nude.
"Questions and answers on ask no questions I'll tell you no lies" - what?
"Debbie Dunning" - yeay baby! That's my girl! I love Debbie Dunning. She hasn't been acting in at least 10 years, but she's still hot on the search engine list. Super babe!
"Russian Nude Young Girls Pictures" - I think I've stumbled across more nude photos of Russian girls posing in pigtails and school uniforms than any other, and that was without even meaning to. I can't imagine how many results would come back from this search. Probably thousands. And yet, in amongst all those porn sites is me. Hey, at least they didn't say "preteen Russian girls" eh?
"Kneed a guy" - yeah, this doesn't make me feel very good. Why would this lead to my site? I don't want to even talk about this, let alone have people who do coming to my site searching for S&M porn or whatever. Go away, you man-hating bitches!
"Stevie Bobbitt" - who?
Finally, the top Visitor countries
United States - 604 hits - yay USA!
Canada - 49 hits - I love my Canadian friends! You have some seriously hot women.
United Kingdom - 36 hits - The Spice Girls are reading my stuff!
Czech Republic - 20 hits - Really? No one from there has ever commented that I know of. Anyone reading this from the Czech Republic? Please let me know.
Germany - 17 hits - this country produced both Claudia Schiffer and Heidi Klum, so as far as I'm concerned Germany is one of the greatest places on Earth just for those reasons alone.
Australia - 13 hits - Oh how I love Australia! And especially Australian women! Elle MacPherson is SO hot. Three cheers and a one-eyed salute to Australia, my future home!
United Arab Emirates - 8 hits - Please send oil. No, I'm kidding. That was a joke. You guys were the ones looking for the Russian girls, weren't you? Yeah, and I can't blame you. Other than oil, Russia's porn is its' second largest export, so you know they must have some good looking girls there. Otherwise they'd just be exporting oil and vodka. Like the saying goes, "Vodka - because I'm horny and you're ugly."
Italy - 7 hits - I don't know that anyone from Italy has ever left me a comment either. Hey you Italians, leave me a comment. Let me know you're there. Italian women, very nice. Send more.
France - 7 hits - Tied with Italy. Hey, sorry about the World Cup, eh? It was so close. I know it's frustrating, but at least you guys have a good shot at it again next time.
Singapore - 6 hits - Chris, is that you?
OK, so that's it. Wasn't that fun? I know I feel all warm and happy. Who knew I had people from so many different parts of the world coming to my blog to search for porn?
By the way, I won't be able to blog for the next several days. I don't want anyone to think I've gotten lazy and quit blogging. I'll be back soon enough.
