Friday Brain Farts

Last night I was wasting my mental energies on Twitter instead of writing a novel or practicing guitar (it was 2 feet from me) or working on trying to create a worthwhile blog post. At the same time, I was watching one of my all-time favorite TV shows, "30 Rock." It was a rerun, I believe, where Cerie is talking to Liz Lemon about having babies. Cerie says she's already been thinking up names. If it's a girl she's going to name her child Hat, or Bookcase.

So, Cerie is played by actress Katrina Bowden, whom I follow on Twitter. While I was watching, some guy tweeted to her that her kids would be named Hat Bowden or Bookcase Bowden. So, because I follow her I saw this. I responded, both to him and Katrina Bowden, that I didn't think Cerie's kids would have Katrina Bowden's last name since technically they are not her kids. I said that they'd have Cerie's last name, whatever that is.

And then I forgot about the whole thing.

The following day, while I was eating breakfast, my cell phone buzzed. Someone had responded to me on Twitter. I looked at the message.

KatrinaBowden @nudememphis xerox

Katrina Bowden had tweeted me! How totally unexpected. So I, being half asleep and confused, responded:

@KatrinaBowden Cerie's last name is Xerox?

Another shock, she responded again:

KatrinaBowden @nudemphis Yes!

I don't know what prompted her to respond to the odd conversation that I had been having with some other fan of hers, but the fact that she did started my whole day off on a high note. She must have a zillion followers, all constantly sending her obscene notes about how hot she is and crap like that. Whatever brought my tweets to her attention, I'm grateful for it. It's rare that a popular celebrity responds to any tweets, let alone a tweet that isn't specifically directed at them and merely copies them in. It's even more rare that they will respond not once, but twice.

I hope the rest of this week goes as well as that. I could use a few up days for a change. Usually my days go more like this:



I like the way this guy never takes his right hand off the passenger seat, even when he clearly needs it to save his ass from possible death. Hey, what's more important, looking cool or not dying? Clearly this guy has his priorities straight. Cool to the very end.

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Random Mental Flatulence

I know a girl who is stunningly beautiful in a magazine cover, perfect features sort of way. As usual, I had the urge to tell her that I strongly feel she should consider modeling. As an amateur photographer I have developed a real eye for the right 'look' and she has most definitely got 'it'.

Also as usual, I resisted the urge to tell her this because it just always sounds so creepy no matter how you say it. So I just think it to myself, but unless I'm asking the girl to model for me specifically, which I have not done in a long time, I keep it to myself.

Well, I am very glad that I did, because as it turns out, this girl is already a model and doing quite well. Boy, would I have been embarrassed if I had said "you should be a model" and she said, "well duh, I am already, you creepy fucker."


You should be a model

I hate trying to work with people who don't communicate well. And by that I mean, they don't listen to everything I've said before responding. I keep having conversations with this one person that go like this:

Me: I need to know what color your car is. What color is your car?

Him: I can't get my drawer open. Why won't this drawer open?

Me: I don't know, but if you want my help I need to know the color of your car. What color is your car?

Him: The sky sure was blue this morning. Did you see that? Do you think my drawer won't open because of the sky being blue?

Me: Doubtful, but if you'll just tell me what color your car is I might be able to do what you asked me to do. Otherwise, I can't help you at all.

Him: Why is coffee brown? It looks nasty.

And on and on it goes like this until I am ready to scream and just go home and go back to bed.



Lately I've been having a mysterious wrist pain. I'm fine when I go to bed, but when I wake up, my wrist hurts like hell. And the pain lasts all day long. Am I boxing in my sleep? WTF?



So apparently the spell check option isn't working today? What's up, Blogger?


Anyway, here's a lovely video of a little girl and a fluffy sheep:

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No Doubt

If you have any doubts as to whether I'm swamped in my professional life and slipping in my personal life, you need only look at the dates of my blog posts over the past several months to see that I am posting less frequently than ever before. I also missed the Toronto International Film Festival, which I had actually been thinking about flying up for. Toronto is a cool place, sort of like Hollywood, but without quite as much of the ego and crazy and just as much of the WoW factor.


Toronto International Film Festival
My workouts have become somewhat random, as I seem to be either sick or hurt about half the time. Yay me, I'm working myself right into the hospital at the rate I'm going. But I don't seem to be getting stronger or faster or gaining in endurance, so clearly I'm doing it wrong.


Fitness Fail
A friend of mine ran a race recently and I saw the photos from it on her Facebook page. She looked like a woman from Runner's World magazine, a professional fitness model. So I ran that same race and even paid for the photos the race organizers took and sold to us. Sadly, I don't look anything like a person that you'd see in Runner's World. Or Muscle and Fitness. Or Men's Health. Or pretty much any magazine where the people are good-looking and exciting. Clearly I need to stay behind the camera and stick to photographing models from now on. I always knew there was a reason I am so picky in choosing models with all the right features and all that. A good model can make even the worst photographer look like a genius, and a slob like me can make the best photographer look like a loser.


Good Models
So, what else is going on?


Anything exciting in the news lately?
The stock market has been in perpetual free-fall. Apparently the combination of toxic 'triangulation' politics, '60s era Marxism, European socialism, George Soros' anti-dollar gold speculation, Muslim terrorist attacks and global warming gay pride HPV lame television for girls has converged to create a powerful gravitational pull on the world's economies. In other words, the shit is hitting the fan and it just keeps on getting shittier and shittier.

The news media is reporting that Big Money (New York City Jewish persons) has shifted away from supporting current US President Barack Obama to presumed future US President Mitt Romney. Apparently their ideals went out the window when the financial pain came home to them and made enough of a hurt for even billionaires to cry a little.


"Marxism schmarxism, I want my money back!"
Rhode Island just approved in-state tuition for illegal aliens. Meanwhile, legal Americans have to pay more than twice as much to attend lousy Rhode Island schools. Well, until they sue, because there is a federal law which says that any state which offers in-state tuition to illegal aliens must offer the same tuition to all legal American citizens, so Rhode Island is in danger of eating a big old shit sandwich once the lawyers get started on the case. So is Rick Perry's state of Texas.


Rhode Island college students
The US House of Representatives, led by Republicans, has asked Planned Parenthood to submit to the exact same level of financial scrutiny as all other American institutions receiving federal tax dollars. Feminists, quite predictably, are throwing a giant hissy fit over it. How dare anyone hold the feminist high altar to the same standards as everyone else! Why, they have never documented a single thing since 1969 and they don't plan to start now. We're just supposed to trust them.


Trust me, you bastards!!!


Don't Hate
A white woman living in a mostly black South Carolina neighborhood has been the victim of a few hate crimes since she began flying the Confederate flag on her front porch. Not surprisingly, not a single thing has been done about those crimes, or a single arrest made by the US Department of Justice, because hate crimes against white people, males, heterosexuals and Christians don't count in Washington, DC. To the honky woman flying the flag, it simply symbolizes her heritage and the heritage of her family. To politicians, it symbolizes an excuse to throw rocks at her and stir up hatred prior to every election.


Not registered as a sex offender
An old man in Massachusetts, where feminist women sued for the right to go topless, went nude while washing his car. Predictably, a woman complained and he was arrested. He was sentenced to one year probation and ordered to register as a sex offender. Excuse me, but does anyone remember what sex offender registries are actually for? Exactly how does going nude qualify a person as a sex offender, while cutting off a man's dick or grabbing and crushing his balls because you are mad and want to hurt and humiliate him sexually does not? Who is being protected by this lifetime sex offender registration requirement for this man? I don't see Lorena Bobbitt's name on any registry. And if she isn't a sex offender, no one is.


Also not registered as a sex offender

Anyway, that's all I have to say at this point.

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Monday Mental Meandering

Stormy
Wow, it's Monday and I haven't got much to talk about. We've had rain, thank God, after a long drought that had officials warning about fires and the possibility of fires, but last night it stormed. It stormed so hard it knocked down all my solar lights along the sidewalk. As a result, I learned that some of my solar lights, when they end up knocked down and laying in a puddle, will just sit and flash on and off, endlessly, and I have no idea how to make them stop doing it.

And as usual, with the rain came a total mental breakdown among all the drivers in traffic. I don't know why this happens, because it rains here a lot, but whenever it does all the drivers suddenly seem to forget that they can still drive pretty much normally, with just a little more caution, even when there is water falling from the sky and the road is shiny. I had a guy seemingly begging me to hit his new car. And I was very tempted to take him up on it.



"Turn left at the next intersection"
My mother had a home alarm system installed in her house a few months ago. Every other week or so, she has to ask me how to work it. I try to explain it to her as best as I can, but within a short time she's forgotten again and is back asking. One thing which I cannot explain, though, is why the voice on the alarm sounds like Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.

It's an undeniable trend here in the Feminist States of America that every single electronic gadget that talks to you is automatically programmed with a female voice. Most do not even allow you the option of changing the voice to something you prefer. My father was almost totally deaf to most female voices and couldn't have heard Dr. Quinn telling him the alarm was on, just as he couldn't have heard the woman in the GPS unit in people's cars telling them when to turn or change lanes, etc. Luckily, Dad came from a generation that knew how to read maps, so he never paid any attention to the women in the GPS units that he couldn't hear anyway.



Robber Barons
President Obama made a speech in which he insisted that the solution to the massive economic crisis that he and his party nearly singlehandedly created in 3 short years was to raise taxes and then spend that money. I believe a previous US President named Reagan referred to this failed policy as "tax and spend" and did the opposite in order to save us from the economic disaster that Jimmy Carter created. I find it not at all ironic that people call Obama "Jimmy Carter part 2".

Come to think of it, former US President Kennedy did the opposite of Obama, too. But then Johnson came after him and did exactly what Obama is doing. It seems to be set in stone here in this country that for every good President we have, right after them comes a total shithead. And if not right after, then shortly thereafter.



Snotty
My allergies have been kicking my ass. I feel terrible even as I'm writing this, with snot running down the back of my throat and my nose raw from blowing it. I'm sure you were just dying to know that, so I made sure to tell you. You're welcome.



"No, I don't need a bra. They stay up by themselves."
I just did an internet photo search for the word "allergies" and every single photo returned was of a woman. That doesn't surprise me since every internet search engine I have access to is in the US, a fully vaginafied nation. But one thing I found entertaining is that when you do a search of the internet for "hot girl on 30 Rock" every single returned link is of Katrina Bowden. There isn't any confusion at all as to who this search is referring. And yes, I was watching "30 Rock" when I did this. It was a rerun of the episode from season one where Tina Fey's character tries to make Katrina Bowden's character stop dressing so sexy, wear a bra and look more professional. So of course the entire show long Katrina is shown wearing lots of skimpy clothes and no underwear and even bounces her breasts around to show that she doesn't think she needs a bra.

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Wordless Wednesday

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Nude Memphis Movie Review: Our Idiot Brother

Our Idiot Brother
I went to see this movie on a whim. I thought that the story sounded pretty "iffy" at best, but the actors and actresses in it were all people I liked. So I gave it a shot.

Paul Rudd plays Ned, a happy-go-lucky pot smoking hippie who believes that if you give everyone the benefit of the doubt and trust them, then they will want to live up to your expectations and not disappoint you. While this works well enough most of the time, when it backfires it backfires badly.

Ned is selling organic produce when a uniformed cop comes along and tells Ned how stressed out he is. Then he asks if Ned can tell him where he could buy some pot. At first Ned thinks he's joking, but the cop insists and then acts all hurt that Ned doesn't think that even cops need to unwind and smoke a Jay every now and then. So Ned feels bad for the cop and sells him some vegetables, along with a free bag of pot. And of course, the cop arrests him for the pot.

When Ned gets out of jail, he finds that his girlfriend has shacked up with another hippie guy, won't let him come home to live, and won't even give him back his dog. She immediately shows herself to be a controlling, manipulative bitch. But Ned is a nice guy and she walks all over him.

Now Ned needs a place to live, so he has to go home to his family. His mother takes him in, but he's not comfortable with that, so he tries living with one of his three sisters.

Liz, played by Emily Mortimer, takes him in first. Liz is married to an English documentary film maker who doesn't like Ned and fights her tooth and nail not to let Ned come live with them. Once Ned moves in, he begins working with Dylan to help with his documentary film making. Basically he does all the driving and carries Dylan's junk. Along the way, Ned stumbles in on Dylan alone with the ballerina who is the main focus of his current film, and both of them are completely naked. Dylan explains that it is essential for his film that she be naked, and that he must also be naked in order to put her at ease. Immediately after this odd discovery, Dylan insists to Liz that Ned move out right away. So Ned is forced to find another sister to live with.

He moves in with Miranda, a reporter with a sort of on-again, off-again relationship with her neighbor. Basically, she only has a relationship with him when it is convenient for her, but because he likes her so much he drops everything and comes running whenever she wants. She controls him and everyone else around her and that's they way she likes it. She absolutely doesn't want Ned living with her, but she is more or less roped into it. So Ned sleeps on her couch and drives her to interviews when her normal driver fails to show up. In a very important interview with a very wealthy woman, Lady Arabella, played by Janet Montgomery, Miranda is annoyed when Lady Arabella seems to prefer talking with Ned over talking with her, and the interview is almost impossible to get because of this. Basically, Lady Arabella has some scandal in her life that every reporter wants to get the scoop on, but Lady Arabella won't talk about it. But when she becomes friendly with Ned, she tells him all about it, trusting that he won't betray her confidence because he is just such a nice guy.


Ned and Lady Arabella
Ned, while staying with Miranda, spends a significant amount of time with her boyfriend/neighbor Jeremy, played by Adam Scott. Jeremy confides in Ned how he feels about Miranda, both good and bad. And Miranda from time to time confides in Ned how she feels about Jeremy. At one point, Ned accidentally lets slip how much Jeremy dislikes how controlling Miranda is. Miranda immediately pounces on Ned and begins ripping into him. But then Ned tries to fix the problem he's apparently caused by pointing out something Miranda said about Jeremy. This causes Jeremy to rip into Miranda. The more Ned talks, trying to fix this fight he seems to have caused, the more he reveals what they've been saying about each other behind their backs, which makes everything worse. Meanwhile, Miranda really needs to know what Lady Arabella told Ned. Her job is on the line over it. But Ned won't let her publish it and embarrasses her in front of her boss when he won't betray Lady Arabella to his sister.


Ned making things worse between Miranda and Jeremy
So Ned has to find another place to live. He ends up with his third sister, Natalie, played by Zoey Deschanel. Natalie is somewhat lost in the world, living with her lesbian girlfriend Cindy, played by Rashida Jones, but at the same time not really sure that she actually is a lesbian. She just hooks up with anyone who will show her something resembling love. Unfortunately, this leads to complications between her and Cindy, which Ned accidentally gets himself into the middle of, and he winds up back at home with his mother.

Now Ned has broken up the relationships of 2 of his 3 sisters, and before he moves back home to live with his mother, he mentions to Miranda and Natalie how odd he thinks it is that Dylan films his ballerina while both of them are nude. He assumes there is nothing to it and thus there is no harm in telling them about it. Naturally his two sisters immediately realize that Dylan is having an affair. And while the whole family is at their mother's house, they get Liz alone and try to tell her what they've discovered. A big fight results and all three sisters tear into each other, and all are aware that Ned is at the center of all of their break-ups.


Ned says your husband is having an affair ...

I'm not going to reveal how the movie ends. I think you should go see it, and do it quick because it's been out for awhile and is going to be out of the theaters soon.

I liked this movie more than I expected to. First, the story wasn't so bad. Second, no one got hit in the balls. Third, anything with Elizabeth Banks in it is a winner for me. Fourth, I love Zooey Deschanel. She's awesome. In fact, I like her so much that she's in my blogroll over there to the left of this post. Check her out.

So, one star for no one getting hurt in their genitals. One star because Elizabeth Banks is fucking awesome. One star because Zooey Deschanel is, too. There's three stars just for those things alone. And one more star because the movie was funny enough to be worth watching. It was even funny enough to be worth paying the small fortune that it costs to go to the movies these days. I liked it.

So I give Our Idiot Brother four stars out of five. Go see it.

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The Falling Man

Because you did this we will never stop coming for you. There is nowhere you can go that we won't follow. There is nowhere you can hide that we won't drag you out and shoot you or simply blow you up with a smart bomb. You may very well burn in hell one day, but not before we send you there. By the time we finish with you, those of you who helped make this happen, you will wish you had died along with the other terrorists on that day.

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Friday Farting Around

What brings you here, big boy?

I haven't posted anything here in a week. That's how swamped I've been lately. I'm drowning in stress and responsibilities and eye strain from working long hours. By the time I get home my brain is so fried that the thought of turning on a computer and looking into the sick green glow of a monitor is more than I can handle.

So I've been absent. As if to punish me, 2 people stopped following my blog. Or, could look at it another way and theorize that maybe 10 people followed me and then 12 unfollowed me while I was away, leaving me returning to a net loss of 2 people. I don't know who it was or why they felt that I was no longer good enough to follow, but they're gone just the same. And with that in mind, let's talk about the things I've written here over the years that people seem to like, because when I checked my stats and saw what it was that is really popular here I honestly had to say, "WTF?"

Most Popular Nude Memphis Posts

#1 - Dear Penis
How many of you even remember this post? I had totally forgotten it. But apparently a lot of people like it because it has received 97,000 views, mostly from places like India and China and places that I honestly don't even have a clue as to why they are so fascinated by this one. I was in a lousy mood. I didn't know what to say. I was actually sort of depressed. So I wrote a letter breaking up with my penis. Who knew this was the work of epic genius that might one day propel me into a writing career? If I ever do write a book I know what I'm going to write it about - my penis.

#2 - How Pumpkin Pie is Made
OK, really? Once again I am at a loss. It's just a cartoon of a poop gag about where pumpkin pie comes from. It received nearly 75,000 fewer page views than the post about my penis. And yet it is still in the #2 spot. Most of the hits are coming from Denmark and Germany and Sweden. I love the beautiful women in those places. They are some seriously hot babes. Do you suppose if I ever visit their countries I could impress them with gags about how pumpkin pie is made from pooping pumpkins? Could it really be that easy?

#3 - Flightless Bird
Seriously?? THIS post is the number three most popular post I've ever written? Ever? It's a rambling post about nothing. I mean, it's truly about nothing. I was upset, and then I was distracted by what was on TV, and then I went off on a tangent about giving up on our political leaders and then I went to bed. Seriously, that's it. Click the link if you want to, but after you read it you'll say, "I'll be damned. He already summed it up in one sentence."

#4 - Hillbilly Saviors
It's just a joke about hillbillies. I probably got it in an email. I mean, it's funny and all ... To me, the best thing about this post is in the comments. Some of the people who commented on this post haven't been around to read my blog in years, but they were some funny bloggers.

#5 - Memphipedia: Hobophobe
OK, I have to be honest, I'm proud of this one. I thought this was funny as shit. I think there may have been alcohol involved, but one night I came up with 'hobophobe' and 'fagabond' at the same time, so I wrote two Memphipedia posts about them. Apparently 'fagabond' is too politically incorrect to make the top ten list, but people seem to like 'hobophobe.' Whatever.

#6 - Thursday's Thoughts - American Women's Soccer
I don't know why this post is popular. I was just intending to post a quick mental fart about what I think would help women's professional soccer get the fans it needs to be financially self-sustaining. Seriously, it isn't rocket science. Most of the girls playing soccer are hot. But who can tell that they even are girls when they're out there wearing men's uniforms?

#7 - Bridget Moynahan Nude
Ah yeah, I posted this long ago just to see what it would do for my hits. It's been 4 years now and it is still churning out the hits for me. Thank you, Bridget Moynahan, you are one highly lusted-after babe to bring me this much traffic with so little effort on my part!


Bridget Moynahan strips for hits

#8 - Cars That I Have Owned
Wow, this is neck-and-neck with Bridget Moynahan Nude, only 4 hits behind, which is truly a surprise to me. I stole the idea for this post from XL. It took me hours to write because I have owned so many damn cars over the years. But it was a lot of fun. I guess remembering our old cars is a fairly universal thing. We can measure the periods of our lives by the car we were driving at the time oftentimes.

#9 - Happy St Patrick's Day
A truly Irish post this one is! Lots of sexy girls, some nudity, and a few Irish jokes.

#10 - Memphis Movie review: Gone Baby Gone
I have to laugh at this post being in the top 10. Granted, it's a review of a good movie, but I know the real reason this post is so popular. It's because I was being a smart-ass while I wrote it (imagine that) and I commented on how people confuse the names of the star, Michelle Monaghan, with another famous actress, Bridget Moynahan. And then I commented on how popular my post about 'Bridget Moynahan Nude' has been and how I think 'Michelle Monaghan Nude' should bring in just as many hits because she's hot, too. And look at what that statement did for me - a top 10 post.


Michelle Monaghan sexes up my blog

So anyway, I didn't start out to write a post about my top 10 blog posts of all time. President Obama supposedly made a speech the other night. I probably should have watched it and wrote about that. And the Republican debate was on last night, too. I briefly considered writing about that. But I just didn't want to. No one listens to Obama anymore. Too many empty words, too many destructive policies, too much change coupled with less and less hope have rendered him nothing more than a tinkling cymbal, as the saying goes, no one listens to him anymore. And as for the Republican debate, it's still a long way away from election day, and I've seen too many times how the totally out-of-touch Republican Party leadership will hand pick the worst possible candidate while shoving aside any real leaders, or potential leaders, in order to hand the election to the Democrats. I just didn't feel like wasting blog space on a debate that isn't going to matter much. Take a look up on the stage, pick out the biggest douchebag who is the most out-of-step with conservative middle class voters, and there is the guy the party leaders are going to go with. They do it every single time.


Bridget Moynahan, Piper Perabo, Izabella Miko, etc, not nude

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Loonies On the Path - LIV - Ass in a Shitpile

So you are obviously in a pissy mood. Any time someone gets on the parkway and goes as slow as you, piling up cars behind them, it means trouble. But when one of the cars stuck behind you moves to pass, and you get angry and speed up to prevent them from getting by, that's a big red flag. You are a shit.



When that car passing you is me, I don't give a damn if you suddenly sped up just to block anyone from passing. I'm passing you anyway. You already demonstrated that you are going to be a problem. Speeding up merely to prevent a pass only reinforces my impression of you as an asshole looking for a fight with random strangers.



And once I have passed you, if you glue yourself to my ass like a new bumpersticker, as you did, so that when I speed up to well over 20 mph faster than you were going before, this cements it for me that you are just a cunt looking to create trouble for everyone else and then laugh at how upset the rest of the world is as a result of you being in it. I have no respect for people like that. And I believe I proved that to you.



Just for the record, and to make sure that you don't console yourself in being defeated by me in your own passive/aggressive traffic game, excessive slow speed is illegal. So is speeding up to prevent a pass. And so is tailgating so closely that you couldn't even read my license plate because you were so close that our cars were nearly joined together.



And when I suddenly slowed for the turn at the off-ramp, you very nearly did join our cars together. You also tried to pass me on the shoulder, which didn't go well for you, apparently.



And just think, as angry as you no doubt are right this moment, it was all your own doing. This was your game. You insisted on playing it with whomever came along. It was just your misfortune that the person who came along was me. I grew up in a house with a mother who played those stupid games in traffic every single day. I learned all the tricks just from listening to her talking to herself as she battled every male driver on the road out of some feminist rage. When I turned 16 and got my own license, I learned through trial-by-fire when all my mother's feminist friends played those same deadly games with me. I nearly died as a result of one of them, and it would have taken her and her children with me. She didn't care. But then that's how passive/aggressive cunts are. They don't care if they kill innocent random people in their quest for vengence against the world as they rage along in traffic. All they care about is making the world a much worse place for everyone.



I would like to point out, at no time did I exceed the speed limit while dealing with you. And also, at no point did I fall below the speed limit by more than 5-10 mph, except while stuck behind you, at which point we were barely moving at all. And yet you were all in a tizzy trying to force me to play your game and potentially get myself killed for your perverse pleasure. You went from 20 mph below the speed limit to exceeding it by a good bit when you moved to pass me in the interstate. I didn't stop you from passing me. But I didn't let you get in front of me, either. 5 lanes you had to choose from, but when you saw that you were not going to be able to get directly in front of me without making more than the slightest effort, you threw a fit and got right back on my ass. 70 mph and you were no more than 6 inches from my rear bumper. I could have easily hit my brakes and killed you if I'd wanted to. You would have been sandwiched between my car and the truck behind you.



You are a stupid ass. If the police saw what you were doing they might have pulled you over and given you a ticket for driving too close. I forget how many points that is on your license, but its a lot more than a speeding ticket. Do you know why? Because it's more dangerous than speeding. So is driving too slow and blocking people. In fact, driving too slow and blocking people is one of the top causes of fatal accidents in the US. So you are pretty much a cunt every way you look at it, aren't you?



Yes, yes indeed you are.

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Who Are the Good Guys?

In The Bible, in Deuteronomy 25:11-12 it says that if two men are fighting, and the wife of one of the men grabs the other man by the testicles, show her no mercy. Cut off her hand.



In Genesis 19, it tells of the city of Sodom, where 2 angels came to find Lot and tell him to leave the city because it was so evil that God intended to destroy it. As if to demonstrate how evil it was, the Bible says "every man of the city" came and surrounded Lot's house and demanded that the 2 men be sent out to be raped. It doesn't say why the men wanted to rape them, only that they did.



Here in the United States, in what is claimed to be the most Christian nation on earth, we routinely teach our kids and women to do exactly what is so harshly condemned in Deuteronomy 25. We try to excuse it by saying it is to make them safe, even though the evidence we have seen over the last 30 years and more shows that this isn't what it has done at all. And now we teach Krav Maga and encourage everyone, men, women, children and especially our police to do what the Bible so harshly and clearly condemns - to go for the balls in situations that are absolutely not fear-for-life self-defense at all, but in any dispute with a male where we want to win.



Meanwhile, in our prisons, we have known that men are acting exactly like what is described in Genesis 19 and we have laughed about it and even celebrated it for as long as I can remember. And this includes the Christian Church, which has done virtually nothing about this problem, except for one man, Chuck Colson, who himself went to prison and saw firsthand how bad it was. He is the only Christian minister I know of trying to do anything about the rape of men in prison. Prior to his efforts, most states in the US didn't even have laws acknowledging that rape of a male could happen at all, let alone declaring it to be a crime. If not for his Washington connections, it would still be that way to this day.



Here in the United States, since the 1960s we have become so hostile towards the male sex, so filled with hatred of males of all ages, that we sit and watch TV shows in which our police, both in fictional dramas and in reality programs like COPS, use sexual violence against males in circumstances that don't even begin to approach fear-for-life self-defense. In the most recent example, a cop was simply angry at a man who was resisting being handcuffed, so he reached around and grabbed the man's balls and squeezed them hard.



In Mesa County, Colorado, Deputy Hassan Hassan caught an elbow in the mouth from 22-year-old Samuel Fazio and got so angry that he sexually assaulted him by grabbing Fazio's balls and squeezing for all he was worth. The Sheriff's office defended the deputy's sexual assault of the kid by saying that the sexual assault, while unorthodox, was not a violation of any rules or laws. Since laws governing sexual assault have almost never been applied equally to male victims as female victims, despite the clear declaration that any contact with the genitals that is unwanted by the victim, even through clothing, is illegal sexual assault, the police across the nation have abused it more and more often, and in circumstances that are less and less excusable. Apparently when it comes to the police or your genitals, you can throw the Bill of Rights out the window if you are male because you have no rights at all.



Interestingly, at the exact same time that Deputy Hassan was squeezing the testicles of an unarmed 22-year-old male, a 19-year-old female prostitute was on trial for murder in Bihar, India, after she said a 15-year-old male client "outraged her sense of modesty", and so she grabbed his testicles exactly as Deputy Hassan did, and squeezed them hard. The male victim died. In fact, this method of murdering males is common in India. But unlike the United States, their system of laws actually punishes people who do this sort of thing.



As despicable as Deputy Hassan Hassan's actions are, and as outrageous as the Sheriff's excuses for why he won't punish the deputy for sexually assaulting an unarmed man who did not touch the deputy's weapons or threaten the deputy's life in any way, what is worse is the reaction of law enforcement officers across the United States, as recorded on police forums on the internet.



Here is a conversation among US law enforcement officers about Deputy Hassan's sexual violation of a male suspect:





VON1: "Well there is an old saying,'Grab a man by his short hairs and his heart and brain will follow" I believe that is true, as a matter of fact, I was in a DT training class in Nassau County NY back in the day, they had an instructor in the class who prided himself in not being able to be hand cuffed by two or more trainees. So while 2 of my colleagues were trying to get him under control, I reached in for the tactical testicle hold, and instant cuffs and compliance. I was the first to get his attention and respect. LMAO!"





GPPDSWAT: "You know,, when the fights on, there are no off limits locations. They pay us to win!!!!!"



'They pay us to win', not to serve and protect, not to obey the law, not to respect basic human rights or much of anything else.





JCNORMAN: "VON1 and GP, I have had to use the tactical testicle hold in a fight and the fight did not last very long."





HYRKY: "'It's a reasonable tactic in this situation.' Enough said. I love it when the brass talk this way."





CQSOSHERIFF26: "'The technique would not be effective with a female'. Ya think?"





WHITECOLLARCRIME: "Benjamin says the same standard would apply to a woman resisting arrest, although she noted, "The technique would not be effective with a female." HUH?!?! Is Officer Benjamin advocated grabbing a women's breast when one is noncompliant or is she pointing out that women don't have testicles?"



If you can legally grab a man's testicles in this situation why could you not grab a woman's breasts? Yet he knows it would be treated completely differently.





GABOY: "The Tactical Testicle Hold.... I love it! Like they say "Go for what you know!" I just hope you don't know it too well! I bet he gets "ribbed" about this for a while. Deputy Dick Hans.... I can see it now.... I could go on but I will quit!"





VON1: "I coined the phrase along time ago, "The Tactical Testicle Hold" because it works , even a drunk knows when the "TWINS" are being squeezed."





BLONDIE26: "Hey, whatever works... I'll have to try this technique out on the street!"



Soldiers have found forcible rape to be effective in subduing females for thousands of years. Japan even included it in military training in WWII. Hey, whatever works, right?





CQSO - "Next time you get in a struggle with a female, grab her by the hooters and let us know how it works out :)



Words of wisdom VON... "





NUNKOTA: "Speaking of pod holds, one of the women officers had a guy by the sack, and she later said she could feel her fingernails touching through the pants. The cranker looks down and said, "Leggo my balls, bitch!" Maybe she was going for a vascectomy hold. So, the coppers went to plan B.

Would this fall under "shot placement"?

Von, ol' son, you may have coined a phrase for the Training Dictionary! "



When the feminists were demanding more female cops and reduced physical fitness standards back in the 1970s, this kind of sexual violence wasn't common and a cop caught doing it could end up in serious trouble. But since then it has become steadily more and more common to the point that it is apparently now a standard practice.





MIKEB0721: "Tactical Testical Hold: a name that will live throughout history!

EXCELLENT, V1!"





BHESS: "That this was a big issue is troubling. GJ (good job) for the officer."



Troubling because sexual assault of an unarmed male is routine? Sexual violence is a very big issue to society.





WMCCARTY: "Yes, the dreaded and most feared TTH (tactical testicle hold) is guaranteed to be a ball buster of a situation for the bad guy. Instant compliance.

VON, you rock man!! :) Stay safe."



Instant compliance through any means necessary, even if it causes the public to despise the police as a result. Why not just shoot the man?





405WSP: "Funny there is even a question on this one. I understand reviewing every use of force but to be news worthy?"



Yes, sexual assault is newsworthy, especially when done by those whom the public is told to respect, obey and trust with our lives.





VON1: "Hey,listen up, all you street pounders. I also have an ACRONYM for all who may forget, here it goes. For proper application remember "SGT Balls"

S=Slap gets their attention

G= grab,eyes pop open, breathing gets shallow and you have command

T= Twist, to their knees you have control. The rest of the ACRONYM

Self explanatory.I love you guys and gals..Funny shit, may save your arse's..LOL"



It's important to note how this officer views sexual assault and torture to be all about getting the victim's attention, about control and command, and not about any sort of self-defense at all. And he so clearly considers it his right as a police officer. Violent rapists think exactly the same way.





DDURKOF: "When I was first in Law Enforcement there was a BIG, guy who prided himself on fighting the police. That was until another BIG guy who was an officer grabbed the "jewels" and lifted up until the guy was walking on his tip toes over to the car. He couldn't get the handcuffs on fast enough. He never again fought the police."



All that training and all those weapons and this is what he did?





DEPUTYKEITH: "The only thing the deputy did wrong was not ripping his nuts off. It would have prevented that dogg ass from contaminating the earth with more dogg asses!"



A flailing unarmed man deserves castration? How did you get past the psyche exam?





COMPTON5150: "The deputy has some balls! I guess the suspect ain't got no nuts."





SMEARED1: "'The technique would not be effective with a female.' LMAO, Stupid."





BPDNARC: "A one-handed Rear Naked Choke if you will...... "





FIELDMOUSE: "Knew an old time copper in Marin who called it the Testicular Take Down."





PAINT: "Reminds me of that ol' question.... How ya' hangin' ?"





K9HANLR: "We are paid to win not come in second place, everything is on the table when a suspect resists. We fight on until the fight is over and if (I have heard this somewhere)you have to use the "The Tactical Testicle Hold" (courtesy of VON 1), then so be it, don't fight with the Police and you won't start talking in a squeaky voice."



Paid to win - not obey the law or care about citizens or decency or respect for law enforcement. Just win by whatever means necessary.





1416OPS: "I can assure you that if an officer, male or female, grabbed a woman by any of her private parts to gain compliance, there would be a huge sexual assault case. Charges against the female perp would be dropped for charter reasons (I'm Canadian, it's the same as a constitution violation) and the officer's name would be dragged through the mud. Google "Stacey Bonds, Ottawa" to see what kind of hell can be brought down on a department when a female resists and it's caught on video."



A Canadian cop is the only one who sees a potential problem with this line of thinking. And he correctly identifies the assault as sexual assault. He is the only one.





BADGER1135: "There are a few cases that I've been forced to use this technique. If your fighting a DV suspect on a old wood porch in the rain and you can't get footing because the deck is like ice. The suspect was resisting and endangering other officers risking fall injuries. Useing this technique was the only was to get the suspect to comply. Arrest was made and no one was injured."



One of the officers might fall down so vicious sexual assault was justified?





HEMINUT392: "I too have used the 'Tactical Testicle Hold' with great results. Our defense tactics instructor at the academy back in 1980 actually touched on it briefly. He said 'If you have the perp down on the ground and he's still fighting, grab his balls and squeeze. Then toss him the handcuffs and tell him to put them on.'"





JRHTPD: "I swear I thought that was the testcort position."





KERRY: "I wonder if grabbing them is okay, why would the Sgt. object to my kicking them to make him let go of my pistol in my holster. Didn't work that well but did distract him enough for me to pin him to a grille and choke him with an arm to the throat from the front. But yet another Sgt. broke up the fun before I could make him do the funky chicken in the parking lot."



Because the public can see the kick very easily, whereas sexual asssault with a hand is harder for witnesses to see or the victim to prove even in cases where the testicles have been ruptured (the police argued that the victim ruptured his testicles himself - no, seriously - and they got away with it.) When you're doing something wrong you have to hide it. I guess you didn't know?





FRERT: "That's awesome! KICK EM IN THE JIMMY!!! ha ha ha"



And law enforcement officials complain that they aren't respected like they used to be.





ARMYMP76544: "We had a similarly named hold back when I was back in high school wrestling but we called it "5 on 2" it worked then as well aas it works now, however I do think the Tactical Testicular Hold is a little bit more PC making it more defendable."



Sexual assault of males is very PC. The feminists love it like cake. But it is still despicable, as are those who use it for anything short of fear-for-life self-defense.





KE48: "When you have them by the balls, there hearts and minds will follow. This was on a friends hat 15 years ago."



Actually, their hearts will not follow. They will hate you and never stop wanting you dead. They may even make it happen.





This forum helped me to better understand why so many in poor crime-ridden communities have more respect for gang bangers than they do for the police. You may fear someone who sexually assaults, tortures and mutilates, but you will never respect them. You will only hate them. Especially when they do it so casually and with total legal immunity. We already know this from Roman times.



Now just imagine that you are a rookie cop, a decent person who just wants to fight for justice and uphold the laws for the good of society, and you are surrounded every day by other cops who think like the cops in this forum do. How disillusioning that must be. Did you notice the overwhelming "us vs them" mentality that most expressed? They didn't see themselves as servants of the people, but controllers and commanders of the people. "Do what I tell you or I'll rape and castrate you, dirtbag!" They were even shocked that a sexual assault of an unarmed man even made the news. And they didn't understand why it was a big deal to anyone.



I've noticed more and more articles from highly intelligent writers who are alarmed about the increasing militarization of the police, with a resulting attitude among cops that they are an army occupying an enemy territory, authorized to micromanage our every move and abuse us in any way they wish. The laws apply less and less to them, but more and more to us, with more laws passed criminalizing our every move each year. And the definition of 'resisting' has expanded to the point that simply standing still and not speaking, or saying "what?" constitutes grounds for shooting you in the testicles with a Taser or kicking you in the testicles with an army boot or grabbing your testicles and dragging you around while your heart spasms in your chest and your lungs are collapsed by your diaphram so that you will die if they don't let go. And then, if you live, you are charged with a felony.



We have a serious problem here in the United States. We don't seem to have any concept of 'good guys' anymore. Our 'good guys' do evil things that our 'bad guys' wouldn't stoop low enough to do. And ever since God was removed from Washington, no one seems to recall where the concept of civil rights came from or what it even means. We're slowly turning into Rome, with all the corruption and abuses that goes with that.

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